Monday, May 10, 2010

.. Confrontations ..

I confess .. I'm starting to have some weak points .. Lately, i can't seem to stand up for myself .. I find it hard to step up to the situation and say NO! .. But, God knows how much I try to motivate myself to stand what I'm facing ..

I know I'm not quite happy yet .. It's still not in the cards for me ..

I admit .. I freeze when I'm depressed .. I go through this phase of nothingness that I keep wondering how it comes and goes so rapidly .. Sub7an ALLAH, I even feel it's alarm when it's coming .. It's like I sense a dusty wind, coming ahead to make me blind for a few days, and maybe weeks ..

Unfortunately, I know I'm a moody person and I let it control me most of the time .. But, you can't imagine how much I long for appreciation .. Not just because I'm a Leo, but maybe 'cause I haven't had much love as I grew up .. I've had a happy childhood though, till the age of 8 or 10 .. Can't remember, actually .. I just know that I've grown up too early for my age .. I've always been premature and taking things way too seriously .. I wish I can lighten up, and I do succeed sometimes, but I end up all serious again in no time .. I was never like any other child I've known .. I had my own life and my own problems .. I agree that I'm a loner; that's how I've been living for over the past 20 years of my life .. And, I'm sure now that I'll never be comfortable around people for so long ..

I seek nothing from this post, but to confront myself .. I'm hoping I can change .. I'm hoping that I obtain better communication skills .. I know I've missed a lot and I have been through a lot because of that .. I just wish that I could be able to feel happiness .. I want life to have taste ..
May ALLAH have mercy on my soul and grant me harmony .. I seek only refuge from the Almighty!

.. N.O.H.A ..

4 comments:

  1. Noha, since i don't know you very much (and i hope i did) i can't really tell you that i know what you mean, but i've been there ! i had a complete change in personality throughout the last 5 years coz of very radical changes in my life.
    sometimes um very happy and satisfied with that change, some other times i just want the old me, so actually it's a compromise that eventually leads to balance, if you work score is 5 and your social score is 5 the final score is 10 so is 3+7 and 8+2 all give the same balanced result.
    what um trying to say is change is good, just go with the flow and always do what you want not what you're told -allegedly- that it's good for you.

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  2. Ahmed, I know you've been there .. We all do, one way or the other ..

    I love how you divided the final score of living ..

    Thank you so much for taking the time to comment .. It means a lot :)

    Best wishes!

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  3. I know what you mean :D I know it very well. I had to face problems at a very young age and I had to grow up before my time too. The key is to try to balance your life, it's good that you are mature beyond your age but you have to live your life too. I know it's not easy and I've been through it all but don't give up and make the best of the change in your life even if it's not something you want :D

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  4. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired something and the only thing I have is writing about it :)

    Can't thank you enough for your encouragement .. I can feel what you mean when you say you've been there .. I believe we all do, one way or the other ;)

    Thx again for reading hun xox

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