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Showing posts from 2008

.. Mood Swings ..

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It’s been a while since I felt my heart beeping... and I mean the real beeping... the “I love you, I love you, I love you” beeping... I won’t deny that I miss it... Yes, I really do... I miss the beeping and the swelling feeling that lifts u off ur feet... The chills that u feel when hearing a word uttering of ur lover’s mouth... You see, I tend to have some mood swings and feeling ro mantic is one of them .. Those love swings usually come crashing my heart every now and then, specially at nights... So, the only way I feed my hunger is by listening to couple of my favorite love songs and I picture myself in this cozy hut of my own doing nothing but enjoying the sweet voice of Frank Sinatra when he sings: “I’ve got a Crush .. My baby .. On you …..” I know reality differs a lot from what I often imagine, but I love the thought that I maybe, just maybe, live this moment one day... Although Hope doesn’t knock on my door at this stage and will not do anytime soon, but I just can’t help it.....

.. Probably the longest post I've ever written ..

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Feb 2009 is almost here and that means, ladies and gentlemen, that four years had passed since I graduated from the Faculty of Alsun, English department. The field that I have been always dreaming of attending. Yet, when I come to think about it, I realize now that it maybe was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done with my life. Though I love the studies A LOT, I can’t seem to get a decent job that fits with my competences due to this degree. I’ve never been the type of girl who loved being a college instructor, nor was I aiming to be an Office manager. I’ve always dreamt of being a Writer, a Teacher, a Coach, or an Advisor. All I loved doing through my entire life is; writing my diaries, delivering messages to those who seek knowledge, show people who evolve my life things they need and ask me to give advice for, or give those who seek my wisdom some steps to solve their problems. Those are the things I’ve been always good at. Those are the aspects that cry out loud and define me. So, m...

...:: A Crazy Idea ::...

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I came up with this idea... Most probably it’s not one of my glorious moments and I’m pretty sure it will cause me more hatred and neglection ( as if I’m not already living with them ), but I just have the urge to do it anyways .. You see, I don’t like being two-faced, although sometimes life forces you to smile in the faces of ppl whom you dislike... The funny thing is, there are actually bunch of them who are considered closer to you than anyone else... However, no one is perfect and you gotta deal with them anyways cuz a person is a package with all his/her treats or defects... ok, so the popping up question you’ll be asking me now; so if you really think so, why do you need to do what you’re about to do ??!! .. And here is my answer ladies and gentlemen; I’ve got a HUGE rage within me... and it’s not like any kind of rage I’ve ever experienced before... this time it’s a lot deeper and more complicated .. Some ppl say the more you get older, the more things become harder, and ...

When I was little ..

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"Once when I was little, I could dream more then .. I could believe more then, that the world can only get better .. I could be free more then .. I could pretend more then, that this life could only show me good times .." A lovely new song by James Morrison .. Despite his young age, this guy writes very very very deep songs .. It's really weird when u find out that there isn't much to life the more u grow up .. specially when all you do is dream of the day that u'll be doing massive deeds .. what's even weirder is the fact that ppl are the ones who deprive u from ur energy .. i guess what i'm always trying to express is how frustrated i am feeling right now .. Just when i was becoming hopeful and all, life drugs me in the bones .. Yes! Frustration is a drug that feeds on ur senses and crawls bit by bit to ur veins leaving nothing but bitterness and lonliness .. It's a curse that not only u can read your future, but also u are beginning to live it .. An...

Despite the Darkness, I still can See!

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Things can turn out to be easy after all .. Yeah, that's me who's talking :):) .. I know i tend to be gloomy and pessimistic most of the time, but there are times when i laugh my heart out .. Yes, i really do :):) .. Maybe that's why i don't do a lot around here .. I'm not used to being happy lolz .. Let me tell you something .. maybe my writings are not that "HOORAY" and maybe i didn't try to mention any comic situations that happen to me before .. maybe because i don't use this blog more often .. maybe if i started to take it seriously and use it as a real diary, I'll be able to mention couple of issues that come up to my mind other than the usual sadness I've been driving myself into .. However, that doesn't mean that I'll stop stating my true feelings whether they are cheering or not .. What i'm really trying to say is that i'm the kind of girl who tends to take things seriously more than her surroundings.. That's t...

Need to be Healed ..

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Another year has came.. We're in Ramadan now .. This month always has a special timing and I always feel different every year .. This time I feel so vulnerable, I don't know why .. I feel so fragile when I pray or say a prayer.. I thank ALLAH (swt) for that .. I really do cuz it makes my heart more sensitive and more aware of what I'm receiving or sending .. there's not much to tell about my life these days except that I'm trying to put things back together again .. The only thing I'm experiencing nowadays is Confusion.. a weird confusion I've never known it before .. I've been always the kind of person who decides quickly.. however, I'm not decisive these days .. i can't figure out what do i want exactly with my life .. i know i want lots of things at the same time, but i don't know what to begin first or what exactly is my priority.. all i really know is that i need to pour out the frustration I have within me .. I'm so full of it .. ...

.. Longing for Hope ..

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I really feel like writing, but I don't have things to say .. Can't figure out the theme of this one .. Things are going pretty fast these days .. Life is a real roller coaster .. Everybody are jammed and extremely down .. All of us have their own problems .. It’s really weird how ppl turn out to be different than what you expect .. How could u think so high of a person and he turns out to be that reckless and mindless .. how can a person neglect you when your showing how weak you are and asking for their help ?? .. Sub7an ALLAH .. I dun like bragging, but elhamdullah I've barely turned someone down in my entire life .. I've never felt that someone would really need me and I leave him/her like this .. However, I feel sick or in a blue, I never say: yes I could help when I really wouldn't do that .. What happened to honesty ppl ??!! Why can't a person just say sorry, I can't help you right now .. It's really ok when you do that .. And how come pp...

Simply Numb ...

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it's been a while since I've posted anything.. it doesn't mean that I've not tried, but i really have nothing to say.. what is left of me to present? that's not really the case.. the point is i lost the urge.. i lost the passion.. i lost the thrill of everything that surround me.. however, what really drives me crazy is that i lost the key of communication.. i really can't deal with people anymore.. i have more fights and argues than i have ever had in my entire life.. i became unable of tolerating people and their stupid actions.. I'm very aggressive and rude.. I'm really repulsive and what's worse is that i don't mind.. i find myself safer this way.. no one can penetrate my life and order me what to and not to do.. of course as a result, lots of people are simply neglecting me and i agree with them.. no one likes to hang around a girl who only thinks of the bad things that strike her every now and then and is always taking life too seriously m...

..: Another :..

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Another day has come .. Another phase has began .. Another life awaits you to reach out and say it's done .. Another song will be played .. Another story will be written .. Another scenario will be waiting for your signature .. Just when you say you'll be fine .. Just when you be sure that you'll be safe, something strikes .. Patience is your only way to salvation .. Sanity is your only goal to survival .. cuz no one, NO ONE will help you see through it .. "Everything is gonna be alright ... "

" جنينة الأسماك" is awesome ppl .. Check what I think !!

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Once I saw the Ad of "جنينة الأسماك" , I made up my mind to watch it .. I felt like it's extremely close to me .. To all of us actually .. I knew that some people wouldn't understand the movie, but when I actually watched it and saw people's reaction, I became sure of the fact that most people won't get what the movie is really saying .. Are people really that dumb or I'm the psycho one ?? Lolz .. I guess I only have one answer to that .. Some people tend to neglect the fact that they have brains and they should use it and some refuse to use it in the first place .. But the most likely answer would be is that I understood the movie cuz I somehow have few analytical abilities and I also studied literature, so I'm familiar with some techniques of the movie .. The movie is totally simple I swear .. The director simply used some classical techniques that people aren't familiar with .. Try to think of the poster for example!! .. He only used Black &...

Applausing for " V for Vendetta "

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Last night i watched a movie called "V for Vendetta" which was released in 2005 .. it was really amazing .. i didn't watch such an intellect movie since a long time .. the way "V" talks, the way he utters the words, the way he moves with confidence, the way he's fearless and strong .. Wish i was that strong and alert .. I don't know what i like about his mask .. It's really breath-taking .. every detail and the way it keeps smiling makes you feel so relaxed .. and his costume .. this black elegant suit that has a silky touch .. and the red rose .. how the colors contrast and how it's comfortable to your eyes .. the theme is so straight forward too .. it's totally realistic .. the words come out of his mouth and sounds like poetry .. the script is awesome !! what i admired the most is how he taught the heroine not to have fear anymore .. she totally lost it .. and how he met her at the first time and that speech .. OMG that speech !!!!!! .. m...

Knock Knock! Who's there ?! (a)

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Once again the purchasing process has began .. The groom freak show announced its presence .. This time with a very funny approach .. a Geekly person :D:D I've never seen a nerd before .. I've only watched them through movies .. Don't get me wrong .. But there is really something geeky about the guy :D I've also seen the movie E.T before, but didn't see it LIVE !! :D:D I really wonder why is it REALLY that hard to find your life partner .. I'm pretty sure i'm not hating the guy .. and I'm totally sure that I don't ask for too much :) .. The funny thing is .. I was totally funny about it lolz .. I really wanted to laugh out loud by his acts .. For a minute I felt like i'm having conversation with a live Alien :D God forgive me, I'm really not trying to moke the guy or anything .. I'm just clarifying that there's no bridge that he can even CLIMB [ not only walk ] to reach me :) I'm not either saying that i'm not a different pers...

YA RAB!

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Howa ezay fe nas keda ?? .. Ezay fe wa7ed ader ye3mel keda fe welado? Tab law makansh 3ayezhom bygebhom leah ?? 3omry ma ha2dar afhamo .. 3omry ma ha2dar astaw3eb bye3melo eih 3shan ye3mel feehom keda ?? .. mesh adra afta7 bo2y we a3tared .. we mesh adra 2a2ool 7aga ghear en hya di 3eshet-hom we 3omr ma 7ad hye2dar yefham homa 3aysheen ezay .. Ezaher en howa da 7al el donia fe kol 7aga .. el kowayes hyefdal yakhod foo2 demagho .. mahma 7awlo yenso we ye3eesho .. hyefdalo tool 3omrohom ma7boseen .. ta3baneen .. We lel asaf mesh hyerta7o ghear lama yeb2a mesh mawgood khales … Te3rafo aktar 7aga me2asara feehom eih ?? .. enohom 3omrohom ma 3amlooh be mo3amla we7sha .. we 3omrohom ma 7awlo ye3eesho 3eesha mesh 3eshet-hom .. kol eli byetlobooh meno el 7eneya .. el 7eneya eli howa kan ghar2an feeha tool 3omro .. Ya rab … ya rab mesh hye2daro yetlobo menak ghear el nagah .. nefsohom yeghamado 3eneahom we yefata7o 3shan 7ayah Tania we donia Tania … Sub7an ALLAH .. el ghadab momken yeseebak wen...

خواطري ..

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الأخلاق أم الإنفلات ؟ المبادئ أم العبودية للأفكار ؟ العزيمة أم الضياع ؟ بماذا علي أن اعيش لكى أصبح ناجحة و كلى إرادة ؟ كيف استطيع أن أصمد أمام المشاكل التى لا تنتهى ؟ و لما تحولت إلى تلك الطفلة الضعيفة الإنهزامية مدى الحياة ؟ ... كيف يمكننى أن أتحمل و أنسى و أعيش فى نفس الوقت ؟ لما هذا النسيان الفظيع الذى يتملكنى عندما أضعف ؟ و لما أطلق العنان ليأسى و سلبيتى ؟ و لما علي أن اشكك فى كل شئ حولى و لا أتمكن من العثور على أشياء بسيطة تعيننى على الحياة ؟ لما اترك نفسى للغيبوبة العمياء ؟ و لما أعيش فى تناقض مستمر بحيث يرهق حواسى و عقلى دائماً ؟ ... .. N.O.H.A ..

Instability & New beginnings ..

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I wish I could just open my mind and pour out what I have inside without having the effort to type it all here... But you know typing is energy... Thinking is energy... Uttering the words is energy... That’s why I feel a bit relieved after I finish a post... Every time I begin writing something, I tell myself: “Will it be interesting?”... “Will it make sense?”... “Do I have a voice?”... “Will it help me to tell everything without fear?”... “Will I ever be heard?”... Although I believe that everything I learn in this life has a meaning... And although I always feel like I’ll be doing great things in life, some how I manage to get frustrated easily... Some ppl say that you gotta have positive energy to achieve what you want... But, is that really the case??!! .. What about destiny?? .. What about planning?? .. Sometimes I tell myself: “Quit trying ... Quit dreaming ... Quit wishing for things that you’ll never have”... I keep fighting for things to happen and they simply don’t... I’m not...

Thy self ..

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Strange how you can have several faces to your personality... Everyday you wake up you figure out something new about yourself... One day you find out that you can be so moody... The other day you start uttering a new word or expression like “Ezbot el ada2!”... You can even start up your day having the urge to scream out loud and you don’t know why... Someone with my illness struggles to survive... not because of the daily stresses, but only because thy self becomes the ultimate struggle... Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this and maybe I’m not supposed to be revealing the fact that I’m mentally ill... but actually after I knew this fact, I became relieved .. I knew I’m not making things up... I knew that my intuition was right... I knew that I’m blessed more than eternally doomed... The changes that happen to me are all because of that illness... The brain that I own is all because of this illness... The Intuition I have is also because of this illness... For sure my life is not completel...

I have no title for this ..

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what a strange weather and what a strange timing .. as if the universe understands how i feel .. it's so windy and cold outside .. lots of dust in the wind too .. it's really restless although it's 2:00 am .. everyone is asleep .. silence at last .. i'm just trying to finish my work calmly after a very rough day i had yesterday and an awful night i'll live to remember .. Never felt that terrible .. Never felt that discusting .. Never wished dying like i wished last night .. My brains were about to pop out of my mind and scream out loud: "LEAVE ME ALONE!" .. I really don't mean to be gloomy people .. try to understand the daily pressure i'm in .. writing is the only thing that helps me stay alive .. i admit i'm not always that clumsy and bloomy .. but i really don't intend to .. sometimes i'm just being sentimental or even romantic .. but people tend to remember the sad things about me .. don't know why .. maybe cuz they think i can ...

This is how my mind works .. LITERALLY!

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I don't feel like writing about one theme today .. Just wanna spill out what i have in mind .. Thought of trying something new .. It's like writing bits and pieces of thoughts that fly away in my mind .. This is how my mind works .. Check it out :) What's up with the mood swings?? How can a person have a mood and in a spare of a second turn into someone else?? Everything is really weird around me .. One day you are surrounded with friends and the other day you feel like you are all alone .. I wanna feel someone's hug .. Wanna feel tenderly touched .. Why can't I just have what i need?? I'm going on 26 and I'm still treated like a 12 years old girl .. When will all this end?? Sometimes I really can't figure out what I'm thinking and why, but I just let myself go insane .. It really helps .. Wanna go wild .. Wanna feel something I never felt before .. Wanna relax and loosen things up .. I always dream of living by the sea .. People can be really judgme...

That's who I am ...

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Always wondered about the sense of belonging .. Always dreamt of a better place than the one I'm living in .. Always felt like I don't fit in this world .. Ever wished for that special someone who will be my shelter for life ... I know I may be repeating myself .. I know I may sound boring .. I know I may be dreamy .. Lovingly, hope you accept me as I am ... .. N.O.H.A ..

E7sasy Bel Dafa :)

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Assalam Alikom everyone.. ana motfa2la khear :) awel yoom fel sana elnaharda .. motfa2la khear we 7asa en Rabena sub7ano wa ta3ala rayedli el khear.. begad rayedli el khear fe kol 7aga ... da e7sasy elnaharda :) da aktar wa2t ba7ebo fel yoom .. a3da fe 2otty we basma3 Om Kalthoum wel donia sheta we matara :D so relaxing begad ... a7la 7aga lama el wa7ed yeb2a hady keda.. we fekro kaman hady ... we 7ases en el donia begad lesa 7elwa ... feeha 7agat bet7ebaha.. hya sa3ba ah .. we malyana ta3ab ah .. bas fe akher el yoom, leek 2ooda we e7sas bel dafa :) .. ah momken nkoon a3deen lwa7dena we mafeesh 7ad gambena .. bas 3ady .. mesh moshkela .. madam benla2y nafsena fe 7agat tania kteer .. zay el ketaba maslan :) nefsy fe 7agat kteer.. we ba7lam be 7agat kteer .. nefsy a3mel 7agat kteera ba7ebaha.. we nefsy yeb2a leya 7ayah we kayan 7a2ee2i .. ba7lam be yoom teb2a el far7a mesh say3any ... we ba7lam be yoom a7es bel aman... nefsy awi a3eesh fe beat 3al ba7r .. we atfarag 3al moog tool 7ay...