Wednesday, December 17, 2008

.. Mood Swings ..

It’s been a while since I felt my heart beeping... and I mean the real beeping... the “I love you, I love you, I love you” beeping... I won’t deny that I miss it... Yes, I really do... I miss the beeping and the swelling feeling that lifts u off ur feet... The chills that u feel when hearing a word uttering of ur lover’s mouth... You see, I tend to have some mood swings and feeling romantic is one of them .. Those love swings usually come crashing my heart every now and then, specially at nights... So, the only way I feed my hunger is by listening to couple of my favorite love songs and I picture myself in this cozy hut of my own doing nothing but enjoying the sweet voice of Frank Sinatra when he sings: “I’ve got a Crush .. My baby .. On you …..”

I know reality differs a lot from what I often imagine, but I love the thought that I maybe, just maybe, live this moment one day... Although Hope doesn’t knock on my door at this stage and will not do anytime soon, but I just can’t help it... These romantic urges slip slowly into my veins and kinda give me a magnificent tangible touch that manages to make me incredibly relaxed... I d
on’t know the secret behind all this; however I don’t care as long as it makes me a bit tender and lovable...

I don’t think people know this part about me and actually I’m not being open with people anymore... Like I stated the other day: “My heart is locked up and I’m lovin’ it !” I actually meant that it’s locked up towards everything and not just love... But, I suddenly found myself concentrating on this one thought that I’m loveless ! .. I’m loveless although that was my main w
ish through my entire life and I always thought that sooner or later I will end up in a happily ever after story... That’s how I survived along the years...

Somehow, my recent resolutions have been a lot firm lately and one of them was that I must try dreaming and just do nothing about everything... I just convinced myself that everything will come when it’s appointed to happen... I shouldn’t rush things and I’m really fine about the fact that I don’t talk much like before and that I don’t express my feelings .. I feel safer this way... No one will be able to figure out what I’m thinking of and as a result to that I’ll start feeling a lot calmer... And you know what?! I was actually right... I started to talk less and listen more... If I decided that I needed to talk, I would post something or even blog it... That’s way I’m relived and privately exposed somehow... I stopped waiting for people to ask about me the entire time and I simply call someone when I feel like it... Moreover, I started sticking up for myself and for the first time of my life, I found the peace that I’ve been looking for...

I know you might all think that I’m just running from facing my reality and I trap myself in my own little world... However, I really don’t care... All I care about right now is that I’m better off alone and that I’m a lot calmer this way... Maybe it’s not meant for me to be sociable like I thought I would be and it’s really fine by me .. I live with myself each day and that deserves work and dedication as well as anything else in life... So, I might as well enjoy it :) .. Believe it or not, we all do this... We all love being alone even if we admitted otherwise... Indeed, we look for company every where and every time, but also we love the fact that we have the last minutes before we sleep for ourselves because it’s the only real time that we honestly wonder about things that we enjoy or even about the dirty little secrets that we keep avoiding all the time... Still, they’re OUR secrets and we’ll always feel amazing if they are kept this way forever…

So, whether I’m feeling romantic or not, whether I’m feeling the worst headache ever, I always enjoy those mood swings even though they tend to be so harsh and sudden... But, that’s the only way I feel like living... When I feel, wonder, sway, or ever dream of the thoughts inside this crazy head of mine, I feel ALIVE !!

Enjoy your romantic moments people... Please don’t take it for granted... You don’t know how it can magically revive a desperate soul as mine...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

.. Probably the longest post I've ever written ..

Feb 2009 is almost here and that means, ladies and gentlemen, that four years had passed since I graduated from the Faculty of Alsun, English department. The field that I have been always dreaming of attending. Yet, when I come to think about it, I realize now that it maybe was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done with my life. Though I love the studies A LOT, I can’t seem to get a decent job that fits with my competences due to this degree. I’ve never been the type of girl who loved being a college instructor, nor was I aiming to be an Office manager. I’ve always dreamt of being a Writer, a Teacher, a Coach, or an Advisor. All I loved doing through my entire life is; writing my diaries, delivering messages to those who seek knowledge, show people who evolve my life things they need and ask me to give advice for, or give those who seek my wisdom some steps to solve their problems. Those are the things I’ve been always good at. Those are the aspects that cry out loud and define me.

So, my journey began. I finished college with all the hope in the world that I will succeed, innovate myself, and find the accomplishments that I’ve always foreseen. I had the will, the way, and the passion. Unfortunately, I lacked the encouragement, the guidance, and the appreciation. Just like any Egyptian girl, I was forced to be obliged by the forces of nature. The forces of you can’t do this, you can’t do that, you should wait, you should do something else until you reach your goal, you should obey the rules and soon you’ll get what you want… etc. Trapped in a body of “a girl not yet a woman,” I made my choice. I took a place in the parking lot of rules and started watching lives pass by. Lives that were filled with hard work, patience, determination, attitude, and enthusiasm. However, my life was never one of them.

You know, I’m always judged with all sorts of judgments like; You should enjoy life N.O.H.A, You should find yourself N.O.H.A, You should learn to be patient N.O.H.A, You should go out more often N.O.H.A, You shouldn’t sleep all that much N.O.H.A, You should find another job N.O.H.A, You should wear other clothes N.O.H.A ………. And the list goes on and on and on. EVERYONE thinks that he/she can have a piece of me and that they can EASILY lead my life if they were in my shoes. My parents think I’m a smug, inexperienced, aggressive, useless little girl. My friends think that I’m a brat, nervous, hurtful, passive, depressing little creature. Furthermore, the rest of the people who know me combine all these aspects together and add ARROGANT as a concealed fact. At the end of the day, that is not really my concern. They may think whatever they like cause that will not change the fact that I have a bit of confidence left in me and I know exactly who I am. I’ll not try explaining either why they tend to think of me this way because I simply believe that whoever sees your inner self is worth-knowing.

So, back to my life after graduation, I worked in our family business for a bit and then decided I have to face the world as I foreseen it. I began searching for schools as figured that I’m good with kids and I love to teach, so why not give it a try. Given away my CVs, been to interviews, then I started working in a real job for the first time, and I call it a real job because that’s what I wanted since I was a child I guess. However, it was a catastrophe. I found out that the teaching system is a disaster and it wasn’t as I imagined and wanted at the end. By then, I had my first real shock about the career-making; you have got to be a slave all the way if you really wanna make it in this endless future. After 3 months of severe depression, I was pushed to return once again to my family business and this time with a will to achieve the development I always seek for myself. I had new trainings, new policies, new ambitions, new portals that I’ve managed to find at that time. I discovered things within me that I never knew it ever existed. I had ANOTHER real job and this time I was able to do the changes I’ve always dreamt of. I worked my butt off (excuse my language), I put everything I had and more into this because finally I found something that I was mentally satisfied with. I had the ability to deal with all sorts of people, I had the ability to learn more about our business, I had the ability to find the creations I’ve dreamt of making, and I had the ability to speak for the first time. It was indeed a very tiring period in my life. But then, that was it! Nothing was changed, nothing was taken care of, nothing was appreciated, nothing was going to the better, and everything stayed still. In fact, my life had taken a boring disgusting leap and stayed this way till this exact minute.

Due to these reasons, I became what I’ve became at this exact moment; abandoned, unappreciated, insane, depressed, gloomy, hopeless, helpless, lonely, penniless, old, bitter, angry, loveless, speechless, heartless, and aimless 26 yeas old “girl not yet a woman.” And that is just one part of my life that is all I’m going to speak about this time. “There are more than meets the eye” as people say. There's a lot more that most people don’t know about me, only the close ones do. But, the funny thing is, most of them are the ones who place the previously mentioned judgments. That’s why I don’t talk with anyone anymore. No one will ever understand, so what’s the use??!! In fact, if I ever wanna talk to anybody about what’s going on my mind, I find none :) They all tend to VANISH with a weird sort of way when they find me all cranky lolz. It’s as if they already know they won’t do me good, so they spare me the sympathy. I really wonder why people tend to get all angry and scary when I express my feelings. They just can’t embrace the fact that my life is loaded with tensions and complications. They can’t imagine or just seem to believe that a person as me lives this life. They expect me to be always funny, cheering, and embracing life as it is. They know nothing about constant daily frustrations or eternal hunger of a body and soul. They think I’m blessed with my life and that I have to move on, but no one really tells me HOW!!!!

It’s not like I’ve done nothing, you know. I’ve done plenty of interviews, applied in several fields, and tried accepting my job as experts’ advice. Been here and there when it comes to friends. Met wonderful people, had amazing conversations, read an amount of books, but at the end I become the Receiver and not the Giver. I’ve always dreamt of being that incredibly successful satisfied effective human being. I’ve imagined myself being a Leader, a Mom, a Wife, a Manager; a Giver. Yeah, that has always been what I wanted; a REAL Giver. But, that’s just it; I’ve always been a dreamer and never a doer.

Does it come to anyone’s mind that all I need is a little pampering??!! Did it ever occur to anyone’s mind that I’ve been longing for a shoulder to cry on (since FOREVER) every now and then??!! Will ever anyone just give a damn to stand by me when I have one of those constant episodes of self-destruction??!! Well, I guess not :) Maybe no one will ever do as well because simply no one likes to admit the fact that everyone had been so selfish lately. Forgive me if I’m rude by any means, I’m just trying to be honest with myself Ladies and Gentlemen. I will also admit that I’ve became selfish myself lately, so If I ever gave the impression to anyone that I’m above laws, then here is my sincere apology. I guess what I’m trying to say is; Please embrace the fact that I’m different from you and try to accept me. Please give me the chance to be a part of something before I’m all deprived out of love. Please try to relate to my situations and give me some support every once and a while. Please appreciate that I love being around you, even though I’m passing out most of the time. Please try to understand the fact that I’m sensitive and a person who cares a lot about details, I’m facing like tones of daily conversations and ideas in my mind. And finally, Please do all that WITHOUT ANY SYMPATHIES, BUT WITH REAL LOVE.

Probably, no one will try reading what I had to say here, but this goes out to every single person I’ve ever known in my entire life, whether family, friends, relatives, colleagues… etc.

Thank you so much for everything...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Monday, November 17, 2008

...:: A Crazy Idea ::...

I came up with this idea... Most probably it’s not one of my glorious moments and I’m pretty sure it will cause me more hatred and neglection ( as if I’m not already living with them ), but I just have the urge to do it anyways .. You see, I don’t like being two-faced, although sometimes life forces you to smile in the faces of ppl whom you dislike... The funny thing is, there are actually bunch of them who are considered closer to you than anyone else... However, no one is perfect and you gotta deal with them anyways cuz a person is a package with all his/her treats or defects... ok, so the popping up question you’ll be asking me now; so if you really think so, why do you need to do what you’re about to do ??!! .. And here is my answer ladies and gentlemen; I’ve got a HUGE rage within me... and it’s not like any kind of rage I’ve ever experienced before... this time it’s a lot deeper and more complicated .. Some ppl say the more you get older, the more things become harder, and I mean “Feelings” by things... That’s why I gotta let go of it or I’ll probably be shattered into pieces …

So here’s what I’m going to do... I’ll be typing what I feel about specific ppl without stating names and I’ll try not to present any clues either... So, if you think you really know me, you’ll figure out yourself... By then, it will be your total freedom if you think you should still know me or not... If you choose not to, then just omit me from your life, don’t worry I’ll get over it... Believe it or not, I’ve became so NUMB towards ppl that I don’t differentiate between them anymore... and it’s not like I’m not alone already cuz believe me I’m awfully lonesome inside out :)

The 1st person who comes on my mind is a SHE and this is as far as I will come to stating any clear hints about her... You can see she has became all sophisticated and independent, but incredibly selfish as well... No matter how much you show her you care and no matter how much you try showing her that you’re there for her, she insists on forgetting you... It’s as if you gotta treat her like shit in order to pop up in her mind every 2 days or so .. And when you go on talking to her and telling how you feel neglected and mistreated, she wears the famous face, I mean mask, of: “Ohhh, dear! You shouldn’t say so! I love you! I miss you! .. Bla bla bla” … and the circle of life begins all over again and again and again... I never receive a call from her unless there has a DISASTER !!!! .. So, I’m like: “Do you only call me when you got crisis in your life??!!!!!” ... You see, I have bigger issues and LARGER problems, but I love sharing the good ones too, you know !!!! .. It’s funny how ppl tend to remember me when they get all troubled and all, but never do they recall me when they’re in a beginning of a love story or something :) ... It wouldn’t hurt if she invites me for an outing every now and then... Or even call me to check upon me while really meaning it !!!!!! Anyways, I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about her... Let’s shift to another person...

The 2nd one is a HE ... This one is the brightest of them all... So educated, fully aware of our psychological upbringing and all... He actually dazzles me every time I’m in a conversation with him... However, he has an incredible way of making me feel completely bad about myself... and what is worse is that he turns into this harsh creature that I just wanna slap his face every time he does that to me... He’s awfully hard to cheer up or to comfort... I know his life is hard and all and I also know that’s he’s not an ordinary guy, but the fact is I really hate it when he becomes all bossy and cranky on me... I’m not that hard to cheer up by the way, it’s just that I usually have some sort of keys to every mood and generally, I only need to feel like someone is comforting me... maybe tell me few nice words, so I can become calmer and return to my karma of patience... It wouldn’t hurt him if he just waited on me and try to really support me other than making me feel like he’ll be doing me the greatest favor on the entire planet !!! … I’m pretty sure he knew I’m talking about him... This guy is smart enough to get it before I even utter the words... That’s all I have for him...

The 3rd person is a SHE ... Mostly, she won’t be knowing I’m writing anything about her in the first place... My case is full with this one... I’ve really had it with her... To be frank, I don’t think I like her anymore either... Although, she can dazzle you with her kindness and love to everyone, I’m probably the only one she ever hates in her entire life... I’m totally different from her, yet I have lots of aspects like hers... She usually has a way of making me mad and feeling terribly awful about myself... She never encourages me to do something good... everything I do is a mess in her eyes... everyone I fight with is the most righteous creature ever born... everything I ever do for her is just a waste of time... I’m always so careless, so cruel, so vulgar, so untidy, and the list goes on and on, in her eyes... But, the most annoying thing of all this is that she probably thinks I’m mentally ill just because I think different and act different from all the girls she’s ever known... As much as she cries for me, she tends to prison me and put me in those situations where you suddenly find yourself looked at as a wacky illegitimate little girl... As much as she wishes to be involved in my talks, she tends to shut me up every time I tell her an honest opinion about anything... I don’t think she ever loved me cuz if she did, she wouldn’t have treated me with such bitterness... It’s like she’s punishing me for not getting the life she always wanted for herself… The fact that I’m not married yet, she thinks it’s all my fault... And what if I didn’t get married at all ???!!!! What will happen in the world???!!! Will it lose another big unhappy family???!!! Will it lose the shit holes that a person can live in everyday???!!! .. I guess NOT !!!!!!! .. And one more thing... For heaven’s sake, I’m fuckin’ 26 YEARS OLD !!!!!!! .. I’m done being tutored, so FUCK OFFFFFFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess by now you’re probably thinking: “Enough with this nonsense girl !!” ... Naaaaah... it’s not enough at all :) ... Lots of ppl will be coming up after this, but I don’t have anymore on my mind for now... So, I guess I’ll be leaving it to that today, but I’ll be coming again... I think I got calmer when I did this and I think I’ll be doing it more often from now on... I’m sorry for any awkward language you found while reading ( As if anyone will ever read it in the first place ), but you gotta lay low on this one... I was getting things out of my chest... Peace...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

When I was little ..

"Once when I was little, I could dream more then .. I could believe more then, that the world can only get better .. I could be free more then .. I could pretend more then, that this life could only show me good times .." A lovely new song by James Morrison .. Despite his young age, this guy writes very very very deep songs ..

It's really weird when u find out that there isn't much to life the more u grow up .. specially when all you do is dream of the day that u'll be doing massive deeds .. what's even weirder is the fact that ppl are the ones who deprive u from ur energy .. i guess what i'm always trying to express is how frustrated i am feeling right now ..

Just when i was becoming hopeful and all, life drugs me in the bones .. Yes! Frustration is a drug that feeds on ur senses and crawls bit by bit to ur veins leaving nothing but bitterness and lonliness .. It's a curse that not only u can read your future, but also u are beginning to live it .. And it's not a matter of age or physical apperance .. it's all about the heart .. it's the heart that feels, it's the heart that hears, it's the heart that speaks, it's the heart that sees, it's the heart that smells .. it's the heart that dies .. Yup, it's the heart that dies ..

what really aches it that you lose your passion .. you lose the strength your given in ur youth to keep on and on .. Look at me talking like an old woman :) .. the real fact is I AM an Old woman .. I feel like an old woman, i talk like an old woman, i even dress like one !! I always wonder why my mum treats like this and i guess i knew why just now .. we both think like old women lolz .. Funny, but true huh?! ..

.. N.O.H.A ..

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Despite the Darkness, I still can See!

Things can turn out to be easy after all .. Yeah, that's me who's talking :):) .. I know i tend to be gloomy and pessimistic most of the time, but there are times when i laugh my heart out .. Yes, i really do :):) .. Maybe that's why i don't do a lot around here .. I'm not used to being happy lolz .. Let me tell you something .. maybe my writings are not that "HOORAY" and maybe i didn't try to mention any comic situations that happen to me before .. maybe because i don't use this blog more often .. maybe if i started to take it seriously and use it as a real diary, I'll be able to mention couple of issues that come up to my mind other than the usual sadness I've been driving myself into .. However, that doesn't mean that I'll stop stating my true feelings whether they are cheering or not ..

What i'm really trying to say is that i'm the kind of girl who tends to take things seriously more than her surroundings.. That's the atmosphere i live in everyday.. Critical and frustrating, but yet warm at a lot of times .. Unfortunately, it's a bit hard for me to state the things that comes ahead of me everyday, but i do try to be clear as much as i can ..

The thing that i long for the most is having a career .. If not, than it can be a real thing that i can do and love at the same time .. I despise routine and crave for excitement .. Maybe that's why it's my ultimate fear to end up boring and meaningless .. New experiences make me chill and become alive .. New ppl, new stuff, new surroundings ... etc. ..

Despite the darkness, i'll still be seeing the light .. Things won't stay the same that's a constant rule .. Things will become harder for sure, but also they will change ..

Seems that, finally, I'll be experiencing the so called "Hope" :)

.. N.O.H.A ..

Friday, September 12, 2008

Need to be Healed ..

Another year has came.. We're in Ramadan now .. This month always has a special timing and I always feel different every year .. This time I feel so vulnerable, I don't know why .. I feel so fragile when I pray or say a prayer.. I thank ALLAH (swt) for that .. I really do cuz it makes my heart more sensitive and more aware of what I'm receiving or sending .. there's not much to tell about my life these days except that I'm trying to put things back together again .. The only thing I'm experiencing nowadays is Confusion.. a weird confusion I've never known it before .. I've been always the kind of person who decides quickly.. however, I'm not decisive these days .. i can't figure out what do i want exactly with my life .. i know i want lots of things at the same time, but i don't know what to begin first or what exactly is my priority.. all i really know is that i need to pour out the frustration I have within me .. I'm so full of it ..

But, my day will come .. One day I'll fly away .. One day I'll be something in shaa ALLAH ..
Indeed, Patience is a virtue ..

.. N.O.H.A ..

Thursday, August 21, 2008

.. Longing for Hope ..

I really feel like writing, but I don't have things to say .. Can't figure out the theme of this one .. Things are going pretty fast these days .. Life is a real roller coaster .. Everybody are jammed and extremely down .. All of us have their own problems .. It’s really weird how ppl turn out to be different than what you expect .. How could u think so high of a person and he turns out to be that reckless and mindless .. how can a person neglect you when your showing how weak you are and asking for their help ?? .. Sub7an ALLAH .. I dun like bragging, but elhamdullah I've barely turned someone down in my entire life .. I've never felt that someone would really need me and I leave him/her like this .. However, I feel sick or in a blue, I never say: yes I could help when I really wouldn't do that ..

What happened to honesty ppl ??!! Why can't a person just say sorry, I can't help you right now .. It's really ok when you do that .. And how come ppl turn out to be so ignorant and insensitive towards you ??? .. How come when you ask them to be patient, they turn into a devilish creature that crawls into ur senses every breath you take ???!!! ..

It's no doubt that my Almighty God ALLAH (swt) has saved me from great deeds that humans had done to me .. And it's no doubt that he sent me angels walking on earth .. But I've learned my lesson ppl .. I really did .. The lessons are always harsh to endure, but they hurt goes and the objective stays .. Alf 7amd we shokr leek YA RAB ..

No matter how many ppl will aid me .. No matter how many problems I'm facing and will still face .. I have no one but my Most compassionate ALLAH (swt) .. Read my lips when I'm telling you this .. " Trust No one, But ALLAH (swt)!! " .. No one and I mean NO ONE will ever love you, care about you, grant you, have mercy on you and I mean REAL mercy, but the Almighty ALLAH (swt) ..

Beware of false ppl my friends .. Beware of the fake living creatures feeding on your blood and nerves .. Don't let anyone underestimate you nor think that you're someone who don't deserve living .. Personally, I may have lots of dark times that surround me, but I surely know that I exist for a reason .. It may not be clear to me right now .. But, someday, somewhere, I'll have a meaning .. Someday, sometime, I'll be important to someone .. "Someday, I'll belong" as Linkin Park say :)

Wish me Hope ppl .. that's all I need .. I need Hope ..

Please do pray for me .. I'll need ur true prayers of pure intentions ..

I wish to start a campaign to STOP FRUSTRATION !!

Please stop frustrating ANYONE !!

Peace ..

.. N.O.H.A ..

Monday, June 23, 2008

Simply Numb ...

it's been a while since I've posted anything.. it doesn't mean that I've not tried, but i really have nothing to say.. what is left of me to present? that's not really the case.. the point is i lost the urge.. i lost the passion.. i lost the thrill of everything that surround me.. however, what really drives me crazy is that i lost the key of communication.. i really can't deal with people anymore.. i have more fights and argues than i have ever had in my entire life.. i became unable of tolerating people and their stupid actions.. I'm very aggressive and rude.. I'm really repulsive and what's worse is that i don't mind.. i find myself safer this way.. no one can penetrate my life and order me what to and not to do.. of course as a result, lots of people are simply neglecting me and i agree with them.. no one likes to hang around a girl who only thinks of the bad things that strike her every now and then and is always taking life too seriously most of the time and above all a big fat loser :) :)

i feel like I'm never good enough for anyone.. no one is trying just to accept me for who i am.. they always neglect me at the end.. maybe that's why i push people away.. maybe that's why i don't want to deal with them.. maybe that's why i love myself's company more than anyone in this world.. I'm always outcast.. most of the time, i don't mind, but at times i really feel like i could use some company.. and the more the neglection increases, the more i become paranoiac.. and the cycle begins.. the more i become paranoiac, of course people will fly miles away :)

i wish i was better.. i wish i was someone else.. i wish i could inhale life and rebel my own.. i wish i had hopes and dreams that really come true.. i wish i had what it takes to be successful.. i wish i had the strength of facing all my fears and doubts.. i wish i had better people around me.. i wish i had true love.. i wish i had the determination to be patient and pursue what i want.. i wish i had the opportunity to do great things.. i wish people could understand me.. i wish i could fly away to a place where things aren't that tough.. i wish i had a real friend beside me.. i wish i could get a treatment.. i wish i could be more efficient and function like normal people do.. i wish i could change.. i wish i could find a better me, a happier me, a doubtless me, a funny me, a considerate me.. is it so much to ask??!!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Friday, May 2, 2008

..: Another :..

Another day has come .. Another phase has began .. Another life awaits you to reach out and say it's done ..

Another song will be played .. Another story will be written .. Another scenario will be waiting for your signature ..

Just when you say you'll be fine .. Just when you be sure that you'll be safe, something strikes ..

Patience is your only way to salvation .. Sanity is your only goal to survival .. cuz no one, NO ONE will help you see through it ..

"Everything is gonna be alright ... "

Saturday, March 29, 2008

" جنينة الأسماك" is awesome ppl .. Check what I think !!

Once I saw the Ad of "جنينة الأسماك" , I made up my mind to watch it .. I felt like it's extremely close to me .. To all of us actually .. I knew that some people wouldn't understand the movie, but when I actually watched it and saw people's reaction, I became sure of the fact that most people won't get what the movie is really saying .. Are people really that dumb or I'm the psycho one ?? Lolz .. I guess I only have one answer to that .. Some people tend to neglect the fact that they have brains and they should use it and some refuse to use it in the first place .. But the most likely answer would be is that I understood the movie cuz I somehow have few analytical abilities and I also studied literature, so I'm familiar with some techniques of the movie ..

The movie is totally simple I swear .. The director simply used some classical techniques that people aren't familiar with .. Try to think of the poster for example!! .. He only used Black & White ! .. The only color that is different is the Red lipstick and that shows how the character is trying to be daring! .. He also used the narrations of the actors .. He hardly used any special effects .. He also used less colors and lightings ..
The main theme of the movie is that every one of us has secrets and we keep on trying to hide them through our entire lives as much as we can .. Every one of us has this own bubble that we keep convincing ourselves that it's what we are and what we really need or want .. Each character has its own daily routine .. They are all common in one aspect, which is: FEAR! .. They all have theirs own fears that haunt them everyday.. The actress Hend Sabry keeps putting daring makeup to appear something she's not cuz she's always afraid to show people that she needs to rebel her lifestyle .. The actor Amr Waked refuses to talk about his thoughts cuz he's afraid that people may think he's somehow crazy and he refuses to stay at his apartment cuz he's afraid to spend all his life on his own .. The actor Gamil Rateb is appearing to be so cruel and heartless cuz he's afraid to admit to his only son that he became extremely weak and that he fears dying .. The Sound Engineer, Basem Samra, who works with Hend Sabry in the movie is afraid to show how much he loves her because he knows that if he did, he will lose definitely lose her .. There are also several characters who express their own fears, but those are the main ones in the movie ..

What I admire best about the movie is that it has the narration technique and that it gave us time to think with our own minds and maybe explore the characters like we think they are .. But then, they speak with us, trying to explain why they decided to choose their roles and what the main fears of each and every one of them are .. This movie isn't the commercial kind of movies that you regularly watch .. It's more like few tales acted and narrated by the characters and at the same time, the director shows few main common fears like Birds flu and others like; showing any kind of affection nowadays .. Once you get its ideas, I think maybe you'll enjoy it .. It's definitely not the type of movie that entertains you, but it will make you wonder a lot afterwards .. Personally, I can't stop thinking about it since last night lolz .. I think I even dreamt of it, but I can't recall if I really did :) .. It's really deep ..

I just wish people would think out of the box for a change and try exploring new things that may help them to set their minds straight .. The movie is really true and down to earth .. It pictures the real pain and sufferings that we mostly have due to living in this big wide city .. If you feel like you're lost most of the time, you'll definitely understand what I mean .. And as I mentioned before, it doesn't harm to use our brains every once in a while .. I really wish that you enjoy the movie .. Give it a shot people :)

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Applausing for " V for Vendetta "

Last night i watched a movie called "V for Vendetta" which was released in 2005 .. it was really amazing .. i didn't watch such an intellect movie since a long time .. the way "V" talks, the way he utters the words, the way he moves with confidence, the way he's fearless and strong .. Wish i was that strong and alert ..

I don't know what i like about his mask .. It's really breath-taking .. every detail and the way it keeps smiling makes you feel so relaxed .. and his costume .. this black elegant suit that has a silky touch .. and the red rose .. how the colors contrast and how it's comfortable to your eyes ..

the theme is so straight forward too .. it's totally realistic .. the words come out of his mouth and sounds like poetry .. the script is awesome !!
what i admired the most is how he taught the heroine not to have fear anymore .. she totally lost it .. and how he met her at the first time and that speech .. OMG that speech !!!!!! .. magical words .. magical ppl !!!

the story is a bit heroic like spiderman and batman .. etc., but it has a totally different prespective .. a political intellectual one .. you'll feel like your mind is being fed something true, something original and daring !!

I also have several points where i disagree with them, but still they dazzle you with the rest of the movie and its dialogue ..
the point from the movie is that people should have a voice .. they should speak out loud .. they should breath through their minds not only their nose or mouth !!! ... people should learn to preserve their rights and maintain it .. people shouldn't steal choices and dreams from anyone .. people should plan for themselves, decide for themselves, think for themselves and indeed breath for themselves .. Fear mustn't be a part of your life .. Fear mustn't lead you to your destiny ...
Simply, do your best to be original & righteous when it comes to your own rights and not only others' .... Freedom Forever :) .. not only physically, but also mentally ...
.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Knock Knock! Who's there ?! (a)

Once again the purchasing process has began .. The groom freak show announced its presence .. This time with a very funny approach .. a Geekly person :D:D

I've never seen a nerd before .. I've only watched them through movies ..

Don't get me wrong .. But there is really something geeky about the guy :D

I've also seen the movie E.T before, but didn't see it LIVE !! :D:D

I really wonder why is it REALLY that hard to find your life partner .. I'm pretty sure i'm not hating the guy .. and I'm totally sure that I don't ask for too much :) ..

The funny thing is .. I was totally funny about it lolz .. I really wanted to laugh out loud by his acts .. For a minute I felt like i'm having conversation with a live Alien :D

God forgive me, I'm really not trying to moke the guy or anything .. I'm just clarifying that there's no bridge that he can even CLIMB [ not only walk ] to reach me :)

I'm not either saying that i'm not a different person myslef .. I'm just stating that I may have things elhamdullah that make me down to earth .. But, this guy, simply doesn't :)

Sometimes I feel that it's a curse that you know yourself .. Cuz mainly, you are pretty sure what you like and dislike .. Even, there are times when you feel right away, if that guy is suitable for you or not .. Do you think that there is a guy that exists and has all the things I wish for ?? .. Even if there is one, will I ever be able to find such a blessing from ALLAH (swt) ?? .. Do I really deserve it ?? .. I know I do, but will it really come to me ??!! :)

I'm not saying that I dun think of my last experiences and tell myself how my choices have driven me to fatal places .. But then again, I'm not an easy girl .. When it comes to MEN !!

To tell you the truth, lately i've been having this kind of demanding urges .. I tell myself over and over and over again : " You gotta pick someone special! You shouldn't settle down with something that you don't need anymore! Enough of this nonsence!!!!!! "

Maybe I became mainly aggresive too, but somehow this way I manage to be safe .. I feel like I've built a wall of a dead heart that pushes any creature away .. I'm not into caring about people like i used too .. At the same time I didn't lose it though .. I just feel that I found my way through at last .. The key is not to care people !! .. Yeah it is !!

I'm not gonna make myself cute and decent for ones who dishonor me with their presence .. I'm not gonna laugh to anyone in the face and start joking around when I don't want to ..

Whenever I feel like bursting, I'll do .. Whenever I feel like crying, I'll do .. I'm done with being Miss Nice anymore ..

I guess i've always wanted to think practically and move forward, but I didn't know how .. This is how for now .. No Care No Pain ;) !!

How I really wish for something that lifts me up & away ... CHEERS!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Howa ezay fe nas keda ?? .. Ezay fe wa7ed ader ye3mel keda fe welado?
Tab law makansh 3ayezhom bygebhom leah ??
3omry ma ha2dar afhamo .. 3omry ma ha2dar astaw3eb bye3melo eih 3shan ye3mel feehom keda ?? .. mesh adra afta7 bo2y we a3tared .. we mesh adra 2a2ool 7aga ghear en hya di 3eshet-hom we 3omr ma 7ad hye2dar yefham homa 3aysheen ezay ..
Ezaher en howa da 7al el donia fe kol 7aga .. el kowayes hyefdal yakhod foo2 demagho .. mahma 7awlo yenso we ye3eesho .. hyefdalo tool 3omrohom ma7boseen .. ta3baneen ..
We lel asaf mesh hyerta7o ghear lama yeb2a mesh mawgood khales …
Te3rafo aktar 7aga me2asara feehom eih ?? .. enohom 3omrohom ma 3amlooh be mo3amla we7sha .. we 3omrohom ma 7awlo ye3eesho 3eesha mesh 3eshet-hom .. kol eli byetlobooh meno el 7eneya .. el 7eneya eli howa kan ghar2an feeha tool 3omro ..
Ya rab … ya rab mesh hye2daro yetlobo menak ghear el nagah .. nefsohom yeghamado 3eneahom we yefata7o 3shan 7ayah Tania we donia Tania …
Sub7an ALLAH .. el ghadab momken yeseebak wenta mesh 7ases .. we akhtar ghadab men rabena eno yesalatak 3la nafsak ! .. tedamar nafsak be nafsak .. we lama khalas te7es bel damaar el tam .. tegry tedawar 3ala nas Tania tedamarha m3ak ..
Eli katab qeset film “45 yoom” makansh bygebha men khayalo .. di 7a2ee2a mesh khayal .. 7a2ee2a mawgooda fe beyoot keteera ..

Ad eih el donia di fe3lan ghareeba .. mahma te7awel tet7asen .. we mahma te7awel teb2a a7san .. tebooz aktar we aktar … ya rab enta eli 3alem beehom .. ya rab enta eli shayef we samee3 we baser .. Allahoma la manja wa la malja2 menka ela elayk !!
Allahoma agheth-hom!
Allahoma agheth-hom!
Allahoma agheth-hom!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Monday, March 3, 2008

خواطري ..

الأخلاق أم الإنفلات ؟
المبادئ أم العبودية للأفكار ؟
العزيمة أم الضياع ؟
بماذا علي أن اعيش لكى أصبح ناجحة و كلى إرادة ؟
كيف استطيع أن أصمد أمام المشاكل التى لا تنتهى ؟
و لما تحولت إلى تلك الطفلة الضعيفة الإنهزامية مدى الحياة ؟


كيف يمكننى أن أتحمل و أنسى و أعيش فى نفس الوقت ؟
لما هذا النسيان الفظيع الذى يتملكنى عندما أضعف ؟
و لما أطلق العنان ليأسى و سلبيتى ؟
و لما علي أن اشكك فى كل شئ حولى و لا أتمكن من العثور على أشياء بسيطة تعيننى على الحياة ؟
لما اترك نفسى للغيبوبة العمياء ؟
و لما أعيش فى تناقض مستمر بحيث يرهق حواسى و عقلى دائماً ؟

.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Instability & New beginnings ..

I wish I could just open my mind and pour out what I have inside without having the effort to type it all here... But you know typing is energy... Thinking is energy... Uttering the words is energy... That’s why I feel a bit relieved after I finish a post...

Every time I begin writing something, I tell myself: “Will it be interesting?”... “Will it make sense?”... “Do I have a voice?”... “Will it help me to tell everything without fear?”... “Will I ever be heard?”... Although I believe that everything I learn in this life has a meaning... And although I always feel like I’ll be doing great things in life, some how I manage to get frustrated easily... Some ppl say that you gotta have positive energy to achieve what you want... But, is that really the case??!! .. What about destiny?? .. What about planning?? ..

Sometimes I tell myself: “Quit trying ... Quit dreaming ... Quit wishing for things that you’ll never have”... I keep fighting for things to happen and they simply don’t... I’m not saying that I’m not satisfied with my life, but I just wish for some happiness... My life isn’t that balanced like most people... For sure I have ups and downs like plenty of them do... But the point is that I’m the type of girl who keeps indulging everything that comes her way... Till one day, something collapses around her and she feels helpless... But again she stands and breathes and starts a new beginning...

My life is full of new beginnings... Nothing is stable... Nothing is really quite that interesting... But I make it interesting! .. I wake up each day and I tell myself: “This is your miracle! This is your day!”... I don’t expect much believe me... My demands are incredibly simple... A peaceful house, A life of my own, A caring spouse and A lovely place to live in... Above all, I dream of Freedom... Freedom of speech, Freedom of will, Freedom of thoughts, Freedom of words, and Freedom of choice …

I don’t like accepting the fact that my life will end up full of routine and obligations... There are several ultimate things in my life that I hate the most... Routine is one of them... Then comes ignorance, dishonesty, cruelty, inconsideration, boredom and shyness... when do you think my life will be exciting on its own? ... I wish to cheerful action for a change :) ... Pray for me that I do … Or don’t bother yourself to help … God’s willing, it will happen!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Thy self ..

Strange how you can have several faces to your personality... Everyday you wake up you figure out something new about yourself... One day you find out that you can be so moody... The other day you start uttering a new word or expression like “Ezbot el ada2!”... You can even start up your day having the urge to scream out loud and you don’t know why...

Someone with my illness struggles to survive... not because of the daily stresses, but only because thy self becomes the ultimate struggle...

Maybe I shouldn’t be saying this and maybe I’m not supposed to be revealing the fact that I’m mentally ill... but actually after I knew this fact, I became relieved ..
I knew I’m not making things up... I knew that my intuition was right... I knew that I’m blessed more than eternally doomed...

The changes that happen to me are all because of that illness... The brain that I own is all because of this illness... The Intuition I have is also because of this illness...
For sure my life is not completely stable and for sure I’m that the ordinary girl you will find in the streets... Believe it or not, you may find me enjoying that I have this illness, as long as it will make me unique...

Although, no one sees much neglection as I do and no one experiences that moods I go through, yet somewhere deep inside of me, I’ve been always proud of whom I became to be...
Although, I hate myself most of the time and I’m usually reminded of how ugly my life is , yet somewhere deep inside of me, I’ve been enjoying the time I spend alone ..

Sometimes, I actually enjoy how people find it hard to get me and how they think that I’m all picky and complicated... But, I admit that when I experience severe betrayal, I bleed!
Drops of blood fall off of my arms like a suicidal hopeless human being …
Nothing is more dreadful than feeling that you are an endless giver with no gains...

Don’t think that I consider myself as a Saint or an Angel sent from above… I know I’m talking to myself and no one reads what I say every once in a while... I also know I’m not funny in my writings nor I’m trying to be all sweet and everything …

I just write to express myself... my own being... to feel alive and breathing...
Thinking, writing, posting, that’s what I usually do... People may find it desperate and pitiful, but I find it expressive and daring... I believe that not anyone can express what he/she had in mind... Not anyone can be so honest with thy self and try changing every single day...

I believe I’m not perfect either... Maybe I’m the most defective person you’ve ever met, but you never got the chance to really really know me...
Neither do I know what will happen in my days to come nor I intend to fly to the moon [although I’d die to do that :D lolz]...

All I know is that I’m alive n’ kickin’... Consider me pathetic... Think of me as a loser...

Whether you like it or not …
That’s me when I write and that’s what I have inside …

Learn the Art of Acceptance people! … Try not to be so ordinary every once in a while …

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I have no title for this ..

what a strange weather and what a strange timing .. as if the universe understands how i feel ..
it's so windy and cold outside .. lots of dust in the wind too .. it's really restless although it's 2:00 am .. everyone is asleep .. silence at last .. i'm just trying to finish my work calmly after a very rough day i had yesterday and an awful night i'll live to remember ..

Never felt that terrible .. Never felt that discusting .. Never wished dying like i wished last night .. My brains were about to pop out of my mind and scream out loud: "LEAVE ME ALONE!" ..

I really don't mean to be gloomy people .. try to understand the daily pressure i'm in .. writing is the only thing that helps me stay alive .. i admit i'm not always that clumsy and bloomy .. but i really don't intend to .. sometimes i'm just being sentimental or even romantic .. but people tend to remember the sad things about me .. don't know why .. maybe cuz they think i can never feel happy .. or maybe cuz they think that i'm a complicated living creature walking on earth ..

Wish i could do like my shrink said .. wish i could just let go of the little voices that always tell me that i'm not good enough .. or that i'm not fun to be with .. although i am .. i swear i do love laughs and jokes all day long .. but i don't like emptyness nor love the idea of being pointless .. that's just me .. why can't others accept this ?? .. why am i the only one who should take all the crap from everyone and gladly accept it :) ?! .. it's damn hard being sensitive !

.. N.O.H.A ..

Friday, January 18, 2008

This is how my mind works .. LITERALLY!

I don't feel like writing about one theme today .. Just wanna spill out what i have in mind .. Thought of trying something new .. It's like writing bits and pieces of thoughts that fly away in my mind .. This is how my mind works .. Check it out :)

What's up with the mood swings??

How can a person have a mood and in a spare of a second turn into someone else??

Everything is really weird around me .. One day you are surrounded with friends and the other day you feel like you are all alone ..

I wanna feel someone's hug .. Wanna feel tenderly touched .. Why can't I just have what i need??

I'm going on 26 and I'm still treated like a 12 years old girl .. When will all this end??

Sometimes I really can't figure out what I'm thinking and why, but I just let myself go insane .. It really helps ..

Wanna go wild .. Wanna feel something I never felt before .. Wanna relax and loosen things up ..

I always dream of living by the sea ..

People can be really judgmental sometimes and it really hurts ..

I'm really seeking tenderness ..

As much as i love nights, i really hate what it does to me ..

I just wish to stop complaining and start acting .. Although i do, but it's never enough ..

Hate it when i enter this phase of non-belonging ..

Feeling so sleepy, but don't feel like it at all ..

Sometimes i feel like getting away from everyone and anyone, but then i tell myself: "How can u be more alone than you already are?!" ..

"Run Away, Run Away, Run Away" ..

.. N.O.H.A ..

Monday, January 14, 2008

That's who I am ...

Always wondered about the sense of belonging ..
Always dreamt of a better place than the one I'm living in ..
Always felt like I don't fit in this world ..
Ever wished for that special someone who will be my shelter for life ...

I know I may be repeating myself ..
I know I may sound boring ..
I know I may be dreamy ..
Lovingly, hope you accept me as I am ...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

E7sasy Bel Dafa :)

Assalam Alikom everyone..

ana motfa2la khear :)

awel yoom fel sana elnaharda .. motfa2la khear we 7asa en Rabena sub7ano wa ta3ala rayedli el khear.. begad rayedli el khear fe kol 7aga ... da e7sasy elnaharda :)

da aktar wa2t ba7ebo fel yoom .. a3da fe 2otty we basma3 Om Kalthoum wel donia sheta we matara :D so relaxing begad ...

a7la 7aga lama el wa7ed yeb2a hady keda.. we fekro kaman hady ... we 7ases en el donia begad lesa 7elwa ... feeha 7agat bet7ebaha.. hya sa3ba ah .. we malyana ta3ab ah .. bas fe akher el yoom, leek 2ooda we e7sas bel dafa :) .. ah momken nkoon a3deen lwa7dena we mafeesh 7ad gambena .. bas 3ady .. mesh moshkela .. madam benla2y nafsena fe 7agat tania kteer .. zay el ketaba maslan :)

nefsy fe 7agat kteer.. we ba7lam be 7agat kteer ..
nefsy a3mel 7agat kteera ba7ebaha.. we nefsy yeb2a leya 7ayah we kayan 7a2ee2i ..

ba7lam be yoom teb2a el far7a mesh say3any ... we ba7lam be yoom a7es bel aman...
nefsy awi a3eesh fe beat 3al ba7r .. we atfarag 3al moog tool 7ayaty ...
ba7eb awi soot el ba7r we e7sas el ramla fe 2eedy ...
we ree7et el matar we howa meghara2 el donia ..
kol 7aga betezhar keda ... el maya leeha se7r ghareeb sub7an ALLAH ...
fe3lan el maya betkhaly kol shea2 7ay ... sub7an ALLAH ...

3arfeen kaman eih eli bykhaly el wa7ed hady awi ???!!!
yemken teftekro eno kalam mo7adrat aw television .. bas walahi maho keda abadan ..
Reda Rabena sub7ano wa ta3ala .. begad .. mesh hezar ...
mafeesh sakeena ba3d keda.. wala e7sas ba3d keda.. lama te7es en RABENA rady 3anak we te7es be karamo el kebeer awi awi awi ..
Ya Rab yen3em 3leana bel ne3ma di tool ma7na 3aysheen ...
begad mafeesh 7aga a7la wala at-har wala adfa wala at3am men keda ...

fe aman ellah :)

.. N.O.H.A ..