Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Go ahead & Marry Someone!

I've heard this phrase like hundreds of times .. "Go find yourself a husband!" .. As if it's my only way out!

As if I'm supposed to simply live and breathe for that .. It's crucial I know, and It's one hell of a wish I dream to happen .. But, No! .. Allow me to say it out loud again, "NO!!!"

That's NOT my way out and it's definitely not how it is supposed to be .. I have the right to find someone who I long to live with .. I have the right to simply LIKE the person I'm doomed with .. Marriage is not about false security and running away from life .. Marriage is supposed to help you BUILD a life ..

How are you supposed to work out a relationship when you're not whole yourself? .. Apparently, most girls do this mistake .. It's right about now when they'll start calling me names, like "You're a hypocrite .. Howa enty la2ya 7ad ye3barek!" .. Actually, I don't fu**ing care whether someone does or does not!

I truly believe that I have to earn this guy, this commitment, this life path .. I have to be able to share my feelings, give what I have to give, and be better for the both of us ..

Let's just say, I do .. then, what?! .. Should I be that ordinary and accept the fact that everyone is getting married for the sake of "just to be with someone" ?! .. Am I supposed to agree on someone who calls himself a hard-worker by working as a driver somewhere abroad [ and don't forget that he has just gone to Mekkah for Haj :)) ] ? .. Is being a decent "Afandi" the right choice for a good husband? ..

I'm sorry to say this .. This is not acceptable .. I shouldn't just compromise for the sake of someone else .. He has to earn it, he has to deserve it, in fact he has to be worth living for !! ..

It's my right to have a vision .. It's my right to love and be loved .. It's my right to have children who can conquer the world .. It's my right to want what I want and disagree with anyone else .. It's my right to be a rebel (if that's what you call it) .. This, my friends, is not called feminism or women's rights blabs .. This is ABC Life! .. Anything else would be a total NERVE DAMAGE!

TO HELL with being older or missing out on getting married someday .. Stop perceiving a woman as if she's only created for the sake of breeding or a sexual figure!!! .. I FEEL, so hear me ROAAAAR !!

.. N.O.H.A ..

Thursday, March 25, 2010

.. My Long-Awaited Knight ..

Oh yes .. I feel safer in my own bubble .. I build walls and plan strategies to keep myself alone .. I live in a constant battle with thy self and wonder when it's gonna end ...
I'm surrounded by beasts who only dream of sucking out my blood every time they see me .. I'm the ultimate bait of satisfaction .. Some may find me weird and some may find me way too formal to handle .. But, at the end, they never succeed to break the fence .. I do all my best to push them away .. I guard my senses with everything that I've got ..

I wake up every morning with one purpose, "Defend your territory!"

I always make sure no one is close enough .. Whenever they plan to invade my premises, I scream... I yell... I present all the schemes of hatred to scare them away ..

Only the one who succeeds such test is worth dying for... is worth fighting for... is worth sticking to and longing for ...

He's my knight .. He's my all .. He's my one and only ..

.. N.O.H.A ..

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Random Thread of Thoughts ..

Days are passing by so quickly, yet you feel like it's too slow .. Everyday you wake up with a constant feeling; emptiness .. and just when you think you figured it all out, it keeps rapidly hitting you with these decisions that you have to take in an instant .. what if you're not prepared? .. what if you still need more time??? .. Sometimes you don't, you just know it right away and go on with it .. but, other times you get scared .. you're used to the feeling of stability .. you long for anything to stay and last for more few seconds .. Personally, I think to be able to change is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do .. Suddenly, you feel the world is upside down, many roads to take, different outcomes, and many opportunities .. But, what if you were used to that feeling of emptiness? .. what if it became part of your soul? .. do you have to fight it? .. are you supposed to, in the first place? .. you keep telling yourself, i can do it .. I'm better than this and I'm mature enough to know what I want .. Except at times, you simply are not! .. we all feel like babies at the end .. we can't grasp the fact that we've lived all these years and we're still the same .. we still long for love, we still love animation movies, we still wish to be irresponsible .. and many many more ..

It's so strange how the mind works .. whether it keeps you alert at times or just vague .. that's why we always look for an aim, a purpose that guides us and makes our job easier .. everyone deserves to relax for a while, that's for sure .. everyone longs for that feeling of letting go, but no one is supposed to admit it .. people may find it a sign of failure, a giving up card that is sent to the entire universe .. when did people become that judgmental all the time ?? .. Why can't a person simply understand the fact that everything comes when it comes and that what's done is done? .. Do you feel what I'm trying to say?? .. and yes, I mean FEEL people .. " F . E . E . L! " .. I have a dilemma here like we all do each day .. Should we go on or should we call it off? ..

I may appear so determined, so wise, so successful at times .. but I'm also weak, I over-think, and I hesitate .. At the end, I listen to my intuition .. I examine and study all the sides that are ahead of me .. but, I get tired too .. I really do .. most of the time, I tell myself: "Get off of your bed, go take a wake, swim or anything .. do something for God's sake ..! " .. that's how my mind works and some can't grasp the fact that I struggle everyday .. I know it is tiring and it's not how you're supposed to live .. but that's me :) ..

However, the sun shines .. I totally agree .. everyday is a new day and that's simply a mercy! .. if we just try to understand the fact that change is a good thing, it will surely help us .. At least, that's what I know and that's what I've been longing for my entire life .. I truly believe that changing is something that has both sides, good and bad, like everything else .. It's not a matter that you can learn, unless you truly experience it with hardships and despair .. I recall a friend who once told me, "Pain is beautiful." .. and i totally agree, it's through the sufferings that we live once again .. although, you hate it every time it happens, still it makes you proud .. it gives you the feeling of glory and significance ..

I'm not gonna edit this post .. I'll just keep it to remind myself that once I was able to breathe without something or someone telling me how I am supposed to run things .. breaking free is the key .. knowing that you can control things, sometimes, gives you the sense of belonging .. and yes .. i may badly write at times .. still that's me and I'm trying to love it by accepting the fact that I do make bad decisions and I do make bad deeds, and it's OK .. there's always time for hope and repentance .. I know we should take care not to lose it, but I also know we HAVE GOT to Chill and that's a MUST!!!


.. N.O.H.A ..

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Pursuit of Happyness

The Pursuit of Happyness

Chris Gardner’s eternal message of perseverance

“Don’t ever let somebody tell you [that] you can’t do something. Not even me! You got a dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period!”

Celebrating the magazine’s anniversary, we decided to present a much more deeper perspective to our readers. We know it’s hard to maintain a business and we surely understand what it takes to accomplish your dreams. So, this article is dedicated to all of you who have a dream and long for constant encouragement, facing daily struggles and hardships that may seem unbeatable. The above quote was the exact words of Chris Gardner, a struggling single dad who presented a lesson to the entire world. He knew the true meaning of failure and how it wrecks a person inside out, yet he chose not to give in, nor to surrender to such chaos of obstacles. He knew exactly what he wanted to do and he went for it. This month’s character is not supposedly real; in fact, it is all you have to learn from this man to be realistically genuine!

Back in 1981, Gardner invested all his family savings in a device known as a ‘Bone Density scanner,’ an apparatus twice more expensive than X-ray with practically the same resolution. Unfortunately, the device financially broke the family and his wife decided to leave him. Determined as ever, he took custody of his only child, Christopher, and saw the chance in fighting for a Stockbroker internship position at Dean Witter in San Francisco. Living through a brutally competitive training period without any salary, along with other twenty candidates, changed him forever. By then, he got homeless after being evicted several times, which led him to live on the streets, crash in few homeless shelters, or even steal some hours of sleep at the bathroom of a subway station. With self-confidence, determination, and positivity, Chris Gardner became a Wall Street legend and a millionaire. He is now the Founder & CEO of his own company, Gardner Rich & Co.

Amazingly, in an attempt to help people who have the same problems that he had back then, he decided to pass on his success story by publishing his autobiography, “The Pursuit of Happyness.” The unusual spelling of the title is not a mistake as it came from the outside sign of the daycare that usually day-cared his son. It had a special resemblance because it reminded him of those days and how significant his pursuit in life was starting to form at that time. The real Chris Gardner suffered a lot more than what you’ll see in the movie. In fact, his son was only 2 years old when he became homeless. In addition, the movie did not mention that he had an abusive step-father who made his life a living hell. “I made a decision that I was going to be everything that this guy was not. I’m not gonna drink and I’m not gonna beat women. I’m not gonna be ignorant. And one of the tactics that I developed as a young kid, I would read aloud, saying to this guy: Yeah, you can beat me down, you can beat my mom, you can put us out of here with a gun, but I can read and I’m going places,” Chris mentioned in a TV show called 20/20. Yet, he took a vow upon himself that if he ever had a son, he would be with him all the way. He genuinely expressed in his interview, “I made a decision when I was a little boy; when I grow up and have children, they’re going to know who their father is.”

Imagine yourself in such a severe situation where you lose your income, your home, your life partner, and above all you are totally alone with no support from anyone what so ever. What would you do? Would you walk around and beg for money? Would you feel lost and turn into a suicidal? Or, alternatively, will you decide to get a grip on your life? Chris Gardner powerfully stated, “We were homeless, but we were not hopeless. There’s a major difference!” Put yourself in his shoes, even take the time to watch the movie or read the book, so you can grasp how he managed to survive it all. You’ll be surprised how many lessons you can obtain from such a story. Give yourself a chance to interact with the situation and ask yourself, what would you do if you were living his life? “It was a choice: you eat or you stay at a hotel. We chose to eat, we stayed in a subway station, we rode the trains, and we slept in bathrooms,” that’s what Chris chose to do. Now, what about you? Will you simply give up or will you take over?

Despite anger and resentment, there’s always a brand new day. No matter how much you feel neglected or mistreated; there are always people who live far more worse than you do. Who said you should quit? Who said that’s the end of all things? It’s always your mind that is in control; not me, not the people who surround you, and certainly not those who provide your monthly cash. The true meaning of living is determined by how much intellectual you are. It’s how you learn to pass on the knowledge you have, it’s how you should be responsible of your own actions, it’s when you look ahead and feel the exact meaning of gratitude… It’s knowing you made the right decision and feeling proud about it, it’s when you truly draw the line if someone took you for granted, it’s when you learn to accept your misfortunes and endure it all… it’s simply when you stand up for yourself. Just don’t waste any more time; acknowledge your own ‘Pursuit of Happiness’ and get done with it already!

Note: Check this website:, if you’re interested to know more about Chris Gardner.

.. N.O.H.A ..
Beyond Magazine
March 2010 Issue

Monday, March 8, 2010

.. Redemption .. A Short Story

Time was never on his side. Over the years, he had grown accustomed to a certain system; a routine if you will. But, after 60 years, the moment had come to reflect upon the past. Holding the cup of tea in one hand and a cigarette in the other, he calmly stared outside the window at the falling rain. He felt alone, but it wasn’t foreign to him. He was used to it.

He had just gone out of prison and he kept telling himself that it’s never too late. But, he’s always reminded of what he’s done. He’s so self-centered, he can’t think of anything else but the murder he had committed once before. Till that day, he can’t imagine how he was able to do so.

He was always this bright young doctor who’s known to be one of the most decent persons on earth. He was honest and had the highest self-esteem anyone can hope for. He knew exactly what he wanted and he pursued it. He spent his 7 years of study with great efficiency and dedication. And as he graduated, he started to feel lost. Suddenly, the world he’s known has been torn apart. He has just found out that his sister had cancer. She was the closest one to his heart. You see, he had a strict family. Obliged by everything good and bad, he was forced to be that guy he never wanted to become. Yet, practicing medicine was the only hope he longed for. He pictured his life as follows; that he would graduate, finds a decent girl to marry, and honorably work as a doctor at any hospital. His dreams were simple, he had no ambition whatsoever and he was okay with it. But then, when he graduated, he sat with himself and started thinking about his future. He had never thought about that until that day.


Knock, knock. “Who’s there?” Dawoud said.

“Hey handsome, what are you doin’ all alone?” his sister, Dalia, has just opened the door. Although she was struggling to walk, but her face was shining with a smile as if she was about to give her lover a hug. So as he witnessed her entering the room, he stood up and went straightly to her, trying to hold her down to sit. And she felt so exhausted to even take further steps ahead to the bed, preferring to choose the chair over a cozy cradle.

“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in your bed?” he said.

“I came to check upon you. I’ve missed you, you know. I haven’t seen you in two days or so. I’ve been always asleep, taking my drugs and all,” she looked at him so peacefully. Although they were siblings, no one would ever imagine they actually were. Most people would see them and stare at them as if they’re those ones who look for a home to live together. They appeared to be relatives of some kind, lovers if people think decently. Except they were the most caring brother and sister anyone has ever known. They looked at each other, so attached to one another that no one can grasp that fact. They didn’t have the same mother, but they lived together. You see, her mother is dead of having the same disease and her father was re-married to his mom couple of years after that. She was 5 years older than him, but yet she looked so much younger. He was always so caring and kind to her. They were the sort of buddies who always get together through anything in life. He knew about her disease when she was 25 years old. Now she’s going on 30 and he has just turned 25.

“Dawoud, What’s up with you? You seem so pale,” Daila said.

“There’s nothing to be worried about, honey. I’m just a little bored, you know, and exahsuted.”

“No, don’t lie to me. There’s something on your mind. I can feel it!”

“Oh, come on! Don’t worry about anything. Just relax and let me get you back to your bed, you have got to get some sleep.”

“Dawoud! Enough sleeping, I’ve had it! You have got to tell me what’s wrong with you. You’ve been acting like this for a month or so. Can’t you stop caring about me for a while?!”

“I can’t, Dalia. You’re my sister and I would do anything in the world for you. Don’t you ever doubt that!”

“Of course, I wouldn’t! That’s why I’ve got a favor to ask you for, but promise me that you will do it,” Dalia anxiously looked at him.

“Anything, honey. Anything just for you!” Dawoud replied.


And just when he was about to finish his last breath of cigarette, the tea pot whistled as the water was boiling to death. He stood up, went to the kitchen and turned it off, but then he changed his mind. He’s hardly eating anything either. It’s been like over 12 hours since he last tasted something, so he decided to get a pack of noodles and cook it in the hot water instead. It was just a little snack to get him going, he only needed that. Dawoud was quite a slim guy, he didn’t eat much. He didn’t enjoy food, nor he had a passion for it. As he grew up, he just accepted the fact that life is so ordinary. He couldn’t find a pleasure in food as most people would do, other than seeking a true identity for themselves. Instead, he used to live on cigerettes and thinking. He did nothing but thinking, thinking, thinking… and he didn’t have that much sleep either. After he finished his noodles, he decided that he has to sit and write down couple of friends’ names, so he can get acquainted once again to the real world.
Suddenly, he couldn’t think of anyone else but his sister. He kept thinking about her this entire day and how she was so alive, but he wasn’t. He was the one who’s gone to everywhere, seen lots of people. Everyday he met up with whoever, and yet she loved life like no one he’s every known. He used to get back from work and read to her; she loved hearing his voice. He always read her novels; she used to love that.

“Dawoud, that’s enough for today,” Dalia said. “I think I’m gonna sleep now.”

“Okay, sweetheart. Just take it easy. Let me tuck you in,” he caringly replied.

“No, Dawoud, thank you. I’m feeling warm already. Can you open a window for me, or maybe the AC?”

“You know the Air Conditioner is not good for you. Let me open a window and switch on the fan instead.”

“Okay, whatever Dawoud!”

“Oh, sis. What’s wrong?”

“I’m just so tired. Just get on with it!”

“Okay, Okay… Just don’t push me like that. You know I’m your brother and all.”

“Oh sure, you’re my brother and I’m supposed to do what?! Say thank you ALL THE TIME?!”

“Well, duh! Of course, you have to!”

“Come on, Dawoud! ... I can’t have… I’ve had enough of this shit already. Good night!”

“Oh, come on! I’m just kiddin’ … you know you don’t really have to. I’m just teasing you; you seem so upset.”

“No, I’m not Dawoud. Just leave me alone for now please.”

“Fine, honey. I won’t disturb me longer. Sleep tight, sweetheart,” he replied, as he looked so worried.

“Whatever! Good night,” she slowly rolled herself over the right side of her bed. She always loved this side as it faces the window and she would watch the stars each night.

The moment before Dawoud turned off the lights, he gazed at her. She looked so powerless and tired. She had difficulty to breathe that day; the disease was getting stronger and stronger.


The phone has rung its bell and he went to pick it up; it was his neighbor, Mr. Ahmed. He was an old man around 85 years old, who lived on his own. He was so thrilled to have a neighbour like Dawoud. He had always wanted to talk to someone, and Dawoud was his savior from his eternal loniness. Dawoud wasn’t bothered by him, except when he’s in his terrible mood swings. Mr. Ahmed loves to talk about his past life and Dawoud loved to listen, but then again sometimes he was feeling irritated by the company. Dawoud wasn’t used to having talks to anyone since a very long time. He’s grown to be a loner; a kind of guy who enjoys the company of himself and no other.

“Hello, Dawoud. How you’re holding up in such weather? I just called to check upon you.”

“Well, Hello Mr. Ahmed. I’m fine, don’t worry about me. Thanks for asking though.”

“What you’re up to son? Would you like to join me for dinner? You’ve promised me that visit, you know.”

“Oh, I did? I can’t recall… Maybe some other time, I’m about to sleep now. Go ahead to start eating, I have eaten already. Thanks again!”

“Okay, then… Although it’s been a week and I’m starting to worry about you. You’re gonna have to go out more often. You know you’re welcome to come by anytime you like.”

“Oh, I know Mr. Ahmed. I’m gonna do that, I’m just trying to get a grip on some stuff that I have in mind these days. Don’t bother yourself, though. I hope you don’t mind, I need some time for myself these days.”

“Sure, son! Take your time, just take care. I’ll be here if you needed me.”

“Thanks again, Mr. Ahmed. No worries, God’s willing. Take care yourself. I’ll be seeing you soon,” Dawoud hang up the phone and thought to himself, “ I wonder who’s taking care of whom? Aren’t I supposed to take care of this old man? He sure is a kind friend.”

Then, he went back to the piece of paper he was trying to put some names in. Out of the blue, he remembered someone at the hospital where he used to work before his sentence. She was a friend… they used to have regular chit chats everyday at the food court during their break times. They have always had those discussions that no one cared about or seemed to be interested in. They had completely different lives, different shifts, but the one thing that joined them together was those talks. They never tried going on a date for once or something, but he’s been meaning to ask her someday when he had the nerve to do so.

Her name was Laila, she always reminded him of his sister because of their rhyming names. Laila was a medium height with a reddish brown hair and lovely dark brown eyes. She looked incredibly cute and had an amazing smile that lightened up the crown. Everyone at the hospital loved her; she was nice, simple, professional, and honest… yet, daring, intellectual, and always fun to be with. Dawoud started wondering, “Why haven’t I ever asked her out? Maybe, just maybe, she would have said yes.” So, he wrote down her name… Laila. It was the first item of his ‘To Do’ list: Laila! But then again, how would he meet her… How would he find her… What would he tell her?! He started reciting in his mind, “I’m Dawoud and I just got out of prison?!” And, how would she respond? “Will she be careless about it and let us move on with our talks once again?” He has missed all sorts of discussions. He has spent all the entire time, while he was at prison, on his own. He had no friends whatsoever and the only time he was free, he used to stay at the library. It was very harsh to survive such sentence; he couldn’t help it but regularly deprive himself from any moment of solitude. If anything that was entirely his, it was only ‘TIME’ … he had lots of it.

… To be continued …


Your feedback is much appreciated .. Thx :)

.. N.O.H.A ..