Tuesday, November 25, 2008

.. Probably the longest post I've ever written ..

Feb 2009 is almost here and that means, ladies and gentlemen, that four years had passed since I graduated from the Faculty of Alsun, English department. The field that I have been always dreaming of attending. Yet, when I come to think about it, I realize now that it maybe was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done with my life. Though I love the studies A LOT, I can’t seem to get a decent job that fits with my competences due to this degree. I’ve never been the type of girl who loved being a college instructor, nor was I aiming to be an Office manager. I’ve always dreamt of being a Writer, a Teacher, a Coach, or an Advisor. All I loved doing through my entire life is; writing my diaries, delivering messages to those who seek knowledge, show people who evolve my life things they need and ask me to give advice for, or give those who seek my wisdom some steps to solve their problems. Those are the things I’ve been always good at. Those are the aspects that cry out loud and define me.

So, my journey began. I finished college with all the hope in the world that I will succeed, innovate myself, and find the accomplishments that I’ve always foreseen. I had the will, the way, and the passion. Unfortunately, I lacked the encouragement, the guidance, and the appreciation. Just like any Egyptian girl, I was forced to be obliged by the forces of nature. The forces of you can’t do this, you can’t do that, you should wait, you should do something else until you reach your goal, you should obey the rules and soon you’ll get what you want… etc. Trapped in a body of “a girl not yet a woman,” I made my choice. I took a place in the parking lot of rules and started watching lives pass by. Lives that were filled with hard work, patience, determination, attitude, and enthusiasm. However, my life was never one of them.

You know, I’m always judged with all sorts of judgments like; You should enjoy life N.O.H.A, You should find yourself N.O.H.A, You should learn to be patient N.O.H.A, You should go out more often N.O.H.A, You shouldn’t sleep all that much N.O.H.A, You should find another job N.O.H.A, You should wear other clothes N.O.H.A ………. And the list goes on and on and on. EVERYONE thinks that he/she can have a piece of me and that they can EASILY lead my life if they were in my shoes. My parents think I’m a smug, inexperienced, aggressive, useless little girl. My friends think that I’m a brat, nervous, hurtful, passive, depressing little creature. Furthermore, the rest of the people who know me combine all these aspects together and add ARROGANT as a concealed fact. At the end of the day, that is not really my concern. They may think whatever they like cause that will not change the fact that I have a bit of confidence left in me and I know exactly who I am. I’ll not try explaining either why they tend to think of me this way because I simply believe that whoever sees your inner self is worth-knowing.

So, back to my life after graduation, I worked in our family business for a bit and then decided I have to face the world as I foreseen it. I began searching for schools as figured that I’m good with kids and I love to teach, so why not give it a try. Given away my CVs, been to interviews, then I started working in a real job for the first time, and I call it a real job because that’s what I wanted since I was a child I guess. However, it was a catastrophe. I found out that the teaching system is a disaster and it wasn’t as I imagined and wanted at the end. By then, I had my first real shock about the career-making; you have got to be a slave all the way if you really wanna make it in this endless future. After 3 months of severe depression, I was pushed to return once again to my family business and this time with a will to achieve the development I always seek for myself. I had new trainings, new policies, new ambitions, new portals that I’ve managed to find at that time. I discovered things within me that I never knew it ever existed. I had ANOTHER real job and this time I was able to do the changes I’ve always dreamt of. I worked my butt off (excuse my language), I put everything I had and more into this because finally I found something that I was mentally satisfied with. I had the ability to deal with all sorts of people, I had the ability to learn more about our business, I had the ability to find the creations I’ve dreamt of making, and I had the ability to speak for the first time. It was indeed a very tiring period in my life. But then, that was it! Nothing was changed, nothing was taken care of, nothing was appreciated, nothing was going to the better, and everything stayed still. In fact, my life had taken a boring disgusting leap and stayed this way till this exact minute.

Due to these reasons, I became what I’ve became at this exact moment; abandoned, unappreciated, insane, depressed, gloomy, hopeless, helpless, lonely, penniless, old, bitter, angry, loveless, speechless, heartless, and aimless 26 yeas old “girl not yet a woman.” And that is just one part of my life that is all I’m going to speak about this time. “There are more than meets the eye” as people say. There's a lot more that most people don’t know about me, only the close ones do. But, the funny thing is, most of them are the ones who place the previously mentioned judgments. That’s why I don’t talk with anyone anymore. No one will ever understand, so what’s the use??!! In fact, if I ever wanna talk to anybody about what’s going on my mind, I find none :) They all tend to VANISH with a weird sort of way when they find me all cranky lolz. It’s as if they already know they won’t do me good, so they spare me the sympathy. I really wonder why people tend to get all angry and scary when I express my feelings. They just can’t embrace the fact that my life is loaded with tensions and complications. They can’t imagine or just seem to believe that a person as me lives this life. They expect me to be always funny, cheering, and embracing life as it is. They know nothing about constant daily frustrations or eternal hunger of a body and soul. They think I’m blessed with my life and that I have to move on, but no one really tells me HOW!!!!

It’s not like I’ve done nothing, you know. I’ve done plenty of interviews, applied in several fields, and tried accepting my job as experts’ advice. Been here and there when it comes to friends. Met wonderful people, had amazing conversations, read an amount of books, but at the end I become the Receiver and not the Giver. I’ve always dreamt of being that incredibly successful satisfied effective human being. I’ve imagined myself being a Leader, a Mom, a Wife, a Manager; a Giver. Yeah, that has always been what I wanted; a REAL Giver. But, that’s just it; I’ve always been a dreamer and never a doer.

Does it come to anyone’s mind that all I need is a little pampering??!! Did it ever occur to anyone’s mind that I’ve been longing for a shoulder to cry on (since FOREVER) every now and then??!! Will ever anyone just give a damn to stand by me when I have one of those constant episodes of self-destruction??!! Well, I guess not :) Maybe no one will ever do as well because simply no one likes to admit the fact that everyone had been so selfish lately. Forgive me if I’m rude by any means, I’m just trying to be honest with myself Ladies and Gentlemen. I will also admit that I’ve became selfish myself lately, so If I ever gave the impression to anyone that I’m above laws, then here is my sincere apology. I guess what I’m trying to say is; Please embrace the fact that I’m different from you and try to accept me. Please give me the chance to be a part of something before I’m all deprived out of love. Please try to relate to my situations and give me some support every once and a while. Please appreciate that I love being around you, even though I’m passing out most of the time. Please try to understand the fact that I’m sensitive and a person who cares a lot about details, I’m facing like tones of daily conversations and ideas in my mind. And finally, Please do all that WITHOUT ANY SYMPATHIES, BUT WITH REAL LOVE.

Probably, no one will try reading what I had to say here, but this goes out to every single person I’ve ever known in my entire life, whether family, friends, relatives, colleagues… etc.

Thank you so much for everything...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Monday, November 17, 2008

...:: A Crazy Idea ::...

I came up with this idea... Most probably it’s not one of my glorious moments and I’m pretty sure it will cause me more hatred and neglection ( as if I’m not already living with them ), but I just have the urge to do it anyways .. You see, I don’t like being two-faced, although sometimes life forces you to smile in the faces of ppl whom you dislike... The funny thing is, there are actually bunch of them who are considered closer to you than anyone else... However, no one is perfect and you gotta deal with them anyways cuz a person is a package with all his/her treats or defects... ok, so the popping up question you’ll be asking me now; so if you really think so, why do you need to do what you’re about to do ??!! .. And here is my answer ladies and gentlemen; I’ve got a HUGE rage within me... and it’s not like any kind of rage I’ve ever experienced before... this time it’s a lot deeper and more complicated .. Some ppl say the more you get older, the more things become harder, and I mean “Feelings” by things... That’s why I gotta let go of it or I’ll probably be shattered into pieces …

So here’s what I’m going to do... I’ll be typing what I feel about specific ppl without stating names and I’ll try not to present any clues either... So, if you think you really know me, you’ll figure out yourself... By then, it will be your total freedom if you think you should still know me or not... If you choose not to, then just omit me from your life, don’t worry I’ll get over it... Believe it or not, I’ve became so NUMB towards ppl that I don’t differentiate between them anymore... and it’s not like I’m not alone already cuz believe me I’m awfully lonesome inside out :)

The 1st person who comes on my mind is a SHE and this is as far as I will come to stating any clear hints about her... You can see she has became all sophisticated and independent, but incredibly selfish as well... No matter how much you show her you care and no matter how much you try showing her that you’re there for her, she insists on forgetting you... It’s as if you gotta treat her like shit in order to pop up in her mind every 2 days or so .. And when you go on talking to her and telling how you feel neglected and mistreated, she wears the famous face, I mean mask, of: “Ohhh, dear! You shouldn’t say so! I love you! I miss you! .. Bla bla bla” … and the circle of life begins all over again and again and again... I never receive a call from her unless there has a DISASTER !!!! .. So, I’m like: “Do you only call me when you got crisis in your life??!!!!!” ... You see, I have bigger issues and LARGER problems, but I love sharing the good ones too, you know !!!! .. It’s funny how ppl tend to remember me when they get all troubled and all, but never do they recall me when they’re in a beginning of a love story or something :) ... It wouldn’t hurt if she invites me for an outing every now and then... Or even call me to check upon me while really meaning it !!!!!! Anyways, I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about her... Let’s shift to another person...

The 2nd one is a HE ... This one is the brightest of them all... So educated, fully aware of our psychological upbringing and all... He actually dazzles me every time I’m in a conversation with him... However, he has an incredible way of making me feel completely bad about myself... and what is worse is that he turns into this harsh creature that I just wanna slap his face every time he does that to me... He’s awfully hard to cheer up or to comfort... I know his life is hard and all and I also know that’s he’s not an ordinary guy, but the fact is I really hate it when he becomes all bossy and cranky on me... I’m not that hard to cheer up by the way, it’s just that I usually have some sort of keys to every mood and generally, I only need to feel like someone is comforting me... maybe tell me few nice words, so I can become calmer and return to my karma of patience... It wouldn’t hurt him if he just waited on me and try to really support me other than making me feel like he’ll be doing me the greatest favor on the entire planet !!! … I’m pretty sure he knew I’m talking about him... This guy is smart enough to get it before I even utter the words... That’s all I have for him...

The 3rd person is a SHE ... Mostly, she won’t be knowing I’m writing anything about her in the first place... My case is full with this one... I’ve really had it with her... To be frank, I don’t think I like her anymore either... Although, she can dazzle you with her kindness and love to everyone, I’m probably the only one she ever hates in her entire life... I’m totally different from her, yet I have lots of aspects like hers... She usually has a way of making me mad and feeling terribly awful about myself... She never encourages me to do something good... everything I do is a mess in her eyes... everyone I fight with is the most righteous creature ever born... everything I ever do for her is just a waste of time... I’m always so careless, so cruel, so vulgar, so untidy, and the list goes on and on, in her eyes... But, the most annoying thing of all this is that she probably thinks I’m mentally ill just because I think different and act different from all the girls she’s ever known... As much as she cries for me, she tends to prison me and put me in those situations where you suddenly find yourself looked at as a wacky illegitimate little girl... As much as she wishes to be involved in my talks, she tends to shut me up every time I tell her an honest opinion about anything... I don’t think she ever loved me cuz if she did, she wouldn’t have treated me with such bitterness... It’s like she’s punishing me for not getting the life she always wanted for herself… The fact that I’m not married yet, she thinks it’s all my fault... And what if I didn’t get married at all ???!!!! What will happen in the world???!!! Will it lose another big unhappy family???!!! Will it lose the shit holes that a person can live in everyday???!!! .. I guess NOT !!!!!!! .. And one more thing... For heaven’s sake, I’m fuckin’ 26 YEARS OLD !!!!!!! .. I’m done being tutored, so FUCK OFFFFFFF !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess by now you’re probably thinking: “Enough with this nonsense girl !!” ... Naaaaah... it’s not enough at all :) ... Lots of ppl will be coming up after this, but I don’t have anymore on my mind for now... So, I guess I’ll be leaving it to that today, but I’ll be coming again... I think I got calmer when I did this and I think I’ll be doing it more often from now on... I’m sorry for any awkward language you found while reading ( As if anyone will ever read it in the first place ), but you gotta lay low on this one... I was getting things out of my chest... Peace...

.. N.O.H.A ..

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

When I was little ..

"Once when I was little, I could dream more then .. I could believe more then, that the world can only get better .. I could be free more then .. I could pretend more then, that this life could only show me good times .." A lovely new song by James Morrison .. Despite his young age, this guy writes very very very deep songs ..

It's really weird when u find out that there isn't much to life the more u grow up .. specially when all you do is dream of the day that u'll be doing massive deeds .. what's even weirder is the fact that ppl are the ones who deprive u from ur energy .. i guess what i'm always trying to express is how frustrated i am feeling right now ..

Just when i was becoming hopeful and all, life drugs me in the bones .. Yes! Frustration is a drug that feeds on ur senses and crawls bit by bit to ur veins leaving nothing but bitterness and lonliness .. It's a curse that not only u can read your future, but also u are beginning to live it .. And it's not a matter of age or physical apperance .. it's all about the heart .. it's the heart that feels, it's the heart that hears, it's the heart that speaks, it's the heart that sees, it's the heart that smells .. it's the heart that dies .. Yup, it's the heart that dies ..

what really aches it that you lose your passion .. you lose the strength your given in ur youth to keep on and on .. Look at me talking like an old woman :) .. the real fact is I AM an Old woman .. I feel like an old woman, i talk like an old woman, i even dress like one !! I always wonder why my mum treats like this and i guess i knew why just now .. we both think like old women lolz .. Funny, but true huh?! ..

.. N.O.H.A ..