Tuesday, November 25, 2008
.. Probably the longest post I've ever written ..
Feb 2009 is almost here and that means, ladies and gentlemen, that four years had passed since I graduated from the Faculty of Alsun, English department. The field that I have been always dreaming of attending. Yet, when I come to think about it, I realize now that it maybe was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done with my life. Though I love the studies A LOT, I can’t seem to get a decent job that fits with my competences due to this degree. I’ve never been the type of girl who loved being a college instructor, nor was I aiming to be an Office manager. I’ve always dreamt of being a Writer, a Teacher, a Coach, or an Advisor. All I loved doing through my entire life is; writing my diaries, delivering messages to those who seek knowledge, show people who evolve my life things they need and ask me to give advice for, or give those who seek my wisdom some steps to solve their problems. Those are the things I’ve been always good at. Those are the aspects that cry out loud and define me.
So, my journey began. I finished college with all the hope in the world that I will succeed, innovate myself, and find the accomplishments that I’ve always foreseen. I had the will, the way, and the passion. Unfortunately, I lacked the encouragement, the guidance, and the appreciation. Just like any Egyptian girl, I was forced to be obliged by the forces of nature. The forces of you can’t do this, you can’t do that, you should wait, you should do something else until you reach your goal, you should obey the rules and soon you’ll get what you want… etc. Trapped in a body of “a girl not yet a woman,” I made my choice. I took a place in the parking lot of rules and started watching lives pass by. Lives that were filled with hard work, patience, determination, attitude, and enthusiasm. However, my life was never one of them.
You know, I’m always judged with all sorts of judgments like; You should enjoy life N.O.H.A, You should find yourself N.O.H.A, You should learn to be patient N.O.H.A, You should go out more often N.O.H.A, You shouldn’t sleep all that much N.O.H.A, You should find another job N.O.H.A, You should wear other clothes N.O.H.A ………. And the list goes on and on and on. EVERYONE thinks that he/she can have a piece of me and that they can EASILY lead my life if they were in my shoes. My parents think I’m a smug, inexperienced, aggressive, useless little girl. My friends think that I’m a brat, nervous, hurtful, passive, depressing little creature. Furthermore, the rest of the people who know me combine all these aspects together and add ARROGANT as a concealed fact. At the end of the day, that is not really my concern. They may think whatever they like cause that will not change the fact that I have a bit of confidence left in me and I know exactly who I am. I’ll not try explaining either why they tend to think of me this way because I simply believe that whoever sees your inner self is worth-knowing.
So, back to my life after graduation, I worked in our family business for a bit and then decided I have to face the world as I foreseen it. I began searching for schools as figured that I’m good with kids and I love to teach, so why not give it a try. Given away my CVs, been to interviews, then I started working in a real job for the first time, and I call it a real job because that’s what I wanted since I was a child I guess. However, it was a catastrophe. I found out that the teaching system is a disaster and it wasn’t as I imagined and wanted at the end. By then, I had my first real shock about the career-making; you have got to be a slave all the way if you really wanna make it in this endless future. After 3 months of severe depression, I was pushed to return once again to my family business and this time with a will to achieve the development I always seek for myself. I had new trainings, new policies, new ambitions, new portals that I’ve managed to find at that time. I discovered things within me that I never knew it ever existed. I had ANOTHER real job and this time I was able to do the changes I’ve always dreamt of. I worked my butt off (excuse my language), I put everything I had and more into this because finally I found something that I was mentally satisfied with. I had the ability to deal with all sorts of people, I had the ability to learn more about our business, I had the ability to find the creations I’ve dreamt of making, and I had the ability to speak for the first time. It was indeed a very tiring period in my life. But then, that was it! Nothing was changed, nothing was taken care of, nothing was appreciated, nothing was going to the better, and everything stayed still. In fact, my life had taken a boring disgusting leap and stayed this way till this exact minute.
Due to these reasons, I became what I’ve became at this exact moment; abandoned, unappreciated, insane, depressed, gloomy, hopeless, helpless, lonely, penniless, old, bitter, angry, loveless, speechless, heartless, and aimless 26 yeas old “girl not yet a woman.” And that is just one part of my life that is all I’m going to speak about this time. “There are more than meets the eye” as people say. There's a lot more that most people don’t know about me, only the close ones do. But, the funny thing is, most of them are the ones who place the previously mentioned judgments. That’s why I don’t talk with anyone anymore. No one will ever understand, so what’s the use??!! In fact, if I ever wanna talk to anybody about what’s going on my mind, I find none :) They all tend to VANISH with a weird sort of way when they find me all cranky lolz. It’s as if they already know they won’t do me good, so they spare me the sympathy. I really wonder why people tend to get all angry and scary when I express my feelings. They just can’t embrace the fact that my life is loaded with tensions and complications. They can’t imagine or just seem to believe that a person as me lives this life. They expect me to be always funny, cheering, and embracing life as it is. They know nothing about constant daily frustrations or eternal hunger of a body and soul. They think I’m blessed with my life and that I have to move on, but no one really tells me HOW!!!!
It’s not like I’ve done nothing, you know. I’ve done plenty of interviews, applied in several fields, and tried accepting my job as experts’ advice. Been here and there when it comes to friends. Met wonderful people, had amazing conversations, read an amount of books, but at the end I become the Receiver and not the Giver. I’ve always dreamt of being that incredibly successful satisfied effective human being. I’ve imagined myself being a Leader, a Mom, a Wife, a Manager; a Giver. Yeah, that has always been what I wanted; a REAL Giver. But, that’s just it; I’ve always been a dreamer and never a doer.
Does it come to anyone’s mind that all I need is a little pampering??!! Did it ever occur to anyone’s mind that I’ve been longing for a shoulder to cry on (since FOREVER) every now and then??!! Will ever anyone just give a damn to stand by me when I have one of those constant episodes of self-destruction??!! Well, I guess not :) Maybe no one will ever do as well because simply no one likes to admit the fact that everyone had been so selfish lately. Forgive me if I’m rude by any means, I’m just trying to be honest with myself Ladies and Gentlemen. I will also admit that I’ve became selfish myself lately, so If I ever gave the impression to anyone that I’m above laws, then here is my sincere apology. I guess what I’m trying to say is; Please embrace the fact that I’m different from you and try to accept me. Please give me the chance to be a part of something before I’m all deprived out of love. Please try to relate to my situations and give me some support every once and a while. Please appreciate that I love being around you, even though I’m passing out most of the time. Please try to understand the fact that I’m sensitive and a person who cares a lot about details, I’m facing like tones of daily conversations and ideas in my mind. And finally, Please do all that WITHOUT ANY SYMPATHIES, BUT WITH REAL LOVE.
Probably, no one will try reading what I had to say here, but this goes out to every single person I’ve ever known in my entire life, whether family, friends, relatives, colleagues… etc.
Thank you so much for everything...
.. N.O.H.A ..