What's Wrong With Me?

There’s something about old people I’ve recently grown to love. I find myself gazing non-stop at them in the streets or whenever I go out. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe because I feel I’m getting older? I’m still wondering about that. Maybe I’m trying to picture my life ahead, trying to fill the gaps I’ve encountered in me lately. I honestly don’t know; at least, not yet.

I’ve just seen two old men walking in the rain, heading towards the mosque for Fajr Prayer, with nothing on but a Jilbab and Abaya. It’s actually 4:30 in the morning, still dark, and both of them were walking individually. No one told them to come down, no Athan was calling out for prayer yet; they simply got up on their own and chose to bear this windy weather, obviously for just the love of Fajr Prayer.

I know you’re asking yourselves; ‘what’s so fascinating about them? This usually happens when they grow up; it’s not a new phenomenon or something.’ Indeed, it isn’t. But doesn’t it make you wonder; what exactly did they do in their lives that Allah (swt) has granted them the chance to be able to do so at this age? It’s hard enough, nowadays, for a man around his 20’s or even 30’s to wake up in such late hour to dress up for Fajr on a regular day. As a matter of fact, most youngsters do not realize its benefit and choose to sleep over. Plus, I’m living in a neighborhood, where waking up for Fajr is not a big deal. Don’t you wish you have such power to start your day with something only few people on this earth do?

Only then when the ultimate question pops up, ‘What is wrong with me?’ I keep asking myself day after day. ‘Why can’t I do the same? When will I go outside and start living normally like everyone does’.

You see, I’ve reached this checkpoint in my life where I feel totally apathetic towards everything. I don’t know what to do with my life, what to say, what to eat, what to wear, what to work, what NOT to work… and I’m starting to envy those old people, putting my brains to the test, ‘How did they manage to get it all figured out? How did they survive such life? What do they feel about tomorrow? Do they live all alone or still long for company? What exactly is the purpose of MY being, not all mankind? Will I ever be capable of pulling out what I have in mind and act upon it for real? Will I get the chance to live my own life, not ordered by someone else? And if I did, now what exactly do I want to do?’

At this moment, I wait for answers and I find none. I stumble upon the fact that I have nothing, I know nothing, and completely blocked out. I start looking around me; something that’s not yet found in books, daily media, or the internet. Actually, something that strikes me… gives me the will to survive, to wake up in the morning, and to long for a better future.

It all comes down to listening to nature at the end; to the signs Allah (swt) sends me. This is the only way I make peace with myself (with no judgmental people at least). Sometimes they’re not as much, and most of the times my ‘Self’ keeps me still drowning, lost, and helpless for quite some time.

However, I don’t think I lost ‘Hope’ just yet. I know there’s something out there, just not sure what, when, or how will I get it. All I know now is, I need this! I need to deprive myself from everything and everyone. I need to figure out what my life is about. I need to learn how to live with myself for the rest of my days left on this planet, how I will manage to stand the things I hate the most, and how I must get hold on to my actions and learn to be brave.

I Need to Find Me … I Need to Love Me … I Need to Accept Me …

Remember me in your prayers, whoever is reading this, wherever you are … Believe it or not, it’s surely needed :)